I felt like I wanted to talk about my nightmares this evening. As bedtime nears I think about it a lot. Bedtime has always been hard for us. There was even a time when I fought going to bed, before I got meds to help with it, to fall asleep.
I would do whatever it took to stay up until I finally past out from two or three days on the go. My past haunts my sleep. There are times when I can go for months and nothing at all. Then something triggers the nightmares to start up again. I have different kinds of nightmares, some are re-occuring and others are new. Most often they are being about being held down and not being able to get away. I am frozen and can’t walk or run or scream in these nightmares.
For some reason in a lot of them I am not young I am me but I feel very small and childlike. There are times when I am little but not that often. The worse part is waking up and remembering everything and it just sets the day off to be bad. It can take the whole day sometimes to shake the feelings of the nightmares. I really hate those ones the most. Then there are the ones when you wake up screaming in terror and fear and can’t move. It can take us quite awhile to realize that it was only a dream and that it is not really happening. Since I live alone this can be quite scary cause I never had the feeling like I could go to my parents room for safe keeping. There was no safe place as a child.
I remember loving going to school because it was my chance to just get away from it all. I loved school and found my safe in many teachers over the years. I hate looking back and seeing myself as a person on the search for love and safety. These nightmares take the safe out of my life on a regular basis.
There is a gift in all this. I have had to create a safe place. This place has become so beautiful over the years as it has developed. Our safe place is a garden. In this garden it is filled with daisies and frogs and turtles. Lots of trees and most are weeping willows. There is a stream of water running through and the Little’s have the most awesome tree swings. There are 2 of them because that way we can bring someone along if we don’t want to be alone.
There is beautiful music playing, with pianos and guitars. There are fairies there too and pretty benches to sit and just read if need be, or to sit and chat with someone. You can smell all the pretty flowers and the scent of vanilla, all the clouds are so white as snow and you can climb up on them and ride through the sky for a nice nap. This place is so safe that we can even close our eyes and feel safe. Cause no one can come here without our permission.
There is also a tree house that is decorated so pretty, even with pink little curtains and tree stumps to sit on. It is very cool in there trust me. There are dolls and teddy bears all around and a tea set too. There is also a treasure chest that is filled with magic wands and fancy dress up clothes. In there we also have a huge toy box and it is filled with trucks and cars, and transformers, coloring books, and pirate costumes.
Down under the tree house floor there is a huge sandbox and we love going there to build the most biggest beautiful castles. Bethie loves it here most of all because dragons come and play, but they are not like regular dragons, these ones breath sparkles. They come to see the castles and take us for rides, it is so much fun here. We get water from the clean stream to build water around the castle walls. There is also a bake shop here where you can go and make cookies, muffins, cakes and more. Then all the colors of the rainbow in decorations. The place is always filled with balloons and cool dance music. When you come here you can bake, decorate, dance, and smile.
It is a place that leaves us feeling good inside, safe inside. A chance to get away from the yuckies. There are never any yuckies here, we love this place. Thanks for stopping by and visiting our place though words, glad you could be apart of it. With every kind wish, Valynn and the Original Kido Bunch
I am hurting so bad right now! I can’t take this pain! I just wanna SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!! But it is stuck inside. OUCH!! OUCH!! OUCH!! To breath I need to cut... I am so sorry, I am, even if you don't believe me... ~Sarah
Went to see my Therapist today, the one I have had for over 2 years and this was the first session that I ever got upset with her or showed any level of frustration. I even told her the session was a complete waste of time. Sigh. I don't think I meant it, I am just so frustrated these days with how my support team doesn't seem to be listening to me at all and makes it confusing. One says journal it's good. The other says don't, stay away from these thoughts right now. One says go to the Hospital and one said, no don't that is a bad idea and will only set you back. One says process the new memories as soon as possible and the other says don't think of it right now, try and stable first then we'll deal with it. Okay Stop!! Has anyone even asked what I want out of all this? I want them to all get on the same page but first I want to finish up a few things, as some of these supports will soon be ending, which is a whole other issue. After I get all the new things and support in place then and only then will this be a great idea. My question is in the mean time what am I suppose to do while my support system is all disorganized and awry? My Therapist I saw today said something rather helpful. Don't listen to any right now that isn't helpful by listening to my own voice. Okay more questions, I have many voices, not always on the same page. Also if my own voice was good I wouldn't really need them for support would I. So how do I do this. The good part is that some of the inners thought YAY!! Don't listen = we can do whatever we want. So taking this listen to no one in a really wrong, most likely not unintended way. I think it was more meant to be said as in don't take it all in and be confused. Just be patient until everything is in place that is suppose to be in the next few weeks. Okay totally rambling in confusion forgive me, but this, this moment is where I truly am at, Confusion! What's a girl of many to do?? Left to my own devices = trouble. I don't know! ~ Deep breath...
A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share.
To my family, friends, and supports,
My self harm is outta control the last few days. And when people ask what’s up? And how are you? I reply: “Nothing, I’m Fine!” My lying skills are improving as a result. *sigh
JUST LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE! ~Sarah
Day 23 is A letter to someone, anyone! I am taking this title literally, Writing to no one I know, just to that someone, anyone who reads and listens.
Dear Someone/Anyone,
Have you ever felt so alone in the middle of a crowd?, That you were screaming and yet only silence was heard?, That even with your best efforts you come up short?
I have, I am there now. Even when my rational mind knows that people love and care for me, I am embarrassed to admit that I feel so isolated and alone. Everyone in my life is trying so hard to be there for me and yet, as my core belief whispers to me daily..."It's never enough..."
I feel like I don't deserve those who care for me and love me so. I also secretly, quietly, at night alone, hope that they would just disappear and then I could just end it all, knowing that no one will be affected from my exit from this planet I've called home for 33 years.
This world, this life is way out of balance for me these days. More bad, evil, ugly, then good. My childhood was not one to make a scrap book of memories over. I sooner forget it. Not such an easy task. My past has it's hands around my neck and more times then not I can't breath.
Simply opening up my mouth doesn't offer air to my screaming lungs. Rather I breath through my skin in the form of red tears. Each scar left when settled tells a story of torment, abuse, evil, and hate. Love is no where to be found in these times.
Escaping from my mind happens when the white powder is forced up my nose or the intake of anything that detaches me from my body. A temporary fix that leaves me with the same horror I try to escape when I return and with nothing less then added self hatred.
Another form of escape comes from an uncontrolled place when I sit in a frozen position. I travel to other times, places, and memories, through alters/dissociating. "We are one body, many souls." My name is Valynn, I suffer with addiction (145 days clean today.) I am tormented with an addiction to self harming. (I cut mostly.) I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse/rape. (As a result I live with DID ~Dissociative Identity Disorder.)
If you or someone you know is suffering please know, you are not alone. I am the living proof that although we suffer many times alone, in silence, we truly are not by ourselves. Many, so many, can relate. That is why I feel it is so important to share your story, through words, song, art, pictures. Whatever outlet helps you breath in a positive way.
So we can be heard not necessarily by others who don't understand but rather by those who do. So we can draw upon each others strengths to continue to survive. We were victims, we are survivors but together and only truly together can we become thrivers. The people we were meant to be. Our pain and suffering doesn't have to end in vein. We can use it, to become powerhouses to those who have not yet found their voice.
I love you all, not because I know you, because I am you. Many have walked the same path. Let us join hands and hearts and help each other feel the love we all deserve as human beings first and foremost. Keep yourselves safe tonight and hold onto my hand knowing in this very moment of darkness, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE!
In Love and Light, Valynn ~Safe Hugs~
Nothing hurts! (She tweeted back again!!!!) Mack is one of mah idols…this, THIS!, simply made my day! ~Love ya Mack P < 3
Day 22 = A picture of what you wore today.
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