Today we saw PDoc P and she thought it might be a good idea to see Safety Queen our T today after our session with her cause we were feeling so unsafe and she knows that Safety Queen gives us a safe feeling. We spent the time reconnecting and coming up with ways to stay safe. After I told her I would put SI #5 on the coping list she made us a new list (in the picture above). This is helping me to have the strength to get through the next little while. And she left little secret notes to some parts to see as well. So we all have options to cope.

So working through this day 20 as we speak...Any questions about list, you may ask. We love feedback and are willing to share around all this. 

May this DAY 20 turn into 21 days in 5 hours! 

(Sprayed out T's name in blue for confidentiality.) 

So, I have learned that Tracey (9) was the one who took us there, to that horrible place.

My therapist and others have helped me figure some things out. 
Not everything but I get the overall idea of what is going on. 

Tracey feels like no one sees her and that we don't believe what has happened to her. She also feels like I, Valynn don't believe that that place is real and that it didn't all happen.

I do know that place is real. I just don't want to know everything that has happened. I know I will have to think it and feel it and work through it in order for all of us to heal. But it is so scared and I don't feel ready.

I was so angry with Tracey for doing this but I am starting to take it in and understand why. Knowing why does not make it less painful or easy to face. 

Looks like therapy will be quite intense over the next little while. 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyways. 

I can see how brave it was for Tracey to go there and then admit to someone that it was her and why. I think I struggle so much of course cause it is I who is attached personally to these places and feelings and events. 

Anyways feel like I am rambling but I am trying to still take this all in and process it all as well. 

I am totally freaked out. 
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place. 

We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.

This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before. 

After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary. 

Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....


This was so very re traumatizing.........

So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now.  I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense. 

I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it. 

We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now. 

I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell. 

This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered. 

Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.