These, these days, right here in this moment is when I hate having DID, I hate trying to figure thoughts out, I hate being a walking riddle, a talking quiz, a lab rat to the unknown. Who are you?? Why are you here now? Have you always been here? What do you want me to know? and most importantly why these games for me to guess. I love you, I love all parts but please help me understand who you are and why you are here???!!! Are you the one showing us new memories? I am struggling now with a new/maybe just seen part! Sigh, I am so tired and scared, scared if I can keep fighting this fight. All the littles are really close, I feel so sad cause it is like they are all in a crowd waiting for me to invite them into my arms to hold on to them. How can I be there to hold them =’( when I am the one in need of being held. I am not trying to assume what it will be like but I am not looking forward to the days ahead. Co-Consciousness is scaring me, this is new and I’m not so sure how to deal with it. I mean, I get it, I understand what is going on but my fear is that it is too much to handle all at once. Well it feels like all at once. Where’s the off switch? What if I can’t handle this…I am overwhelmed, scared, and afraid that…well just that I can’t handle it…. =(
Things are feeling pretty yucky lately....Just taking some time out for me. Try to come and update later tonight......
I really don't even know where to begin. Although I am semi safe, my life is
crumbling around me. I am at a breaking point. But a weird one I will try and explain. You see it is as if I have snapped to the other end of the scale. Instead of letting others know how bad things are I am acting out the opposite. I am walking around like life is good but with a really bad ____ you!! attitude. I am so tired of doing things for others and doing things for myself that others want or think is best. No one knows us inside like I do and I am so angry that anyone thinks they have a right to anything otherwise. Some people are on my case that I am not doing enough....I want to swear so bad right now and controlling that is hard. Don’t want to trigger anyone though. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I liked it before I had friends IRL cause that way there was no explaining, no saying sorry, no worrying anyone. Now they are all worried and upset and, and, and the best part, I am not just suppose to suck it up but also make it ok for them so they are not worried. I wish they would all just leave me the (BEEP) alone! The people in my life, need to back off...they don’t even see they have me at cliffs end and with each step they make towards me, I risk falling off the edge. I can’t even breath right now. I am finding it hard to cope in a healthy way tonight...I feel so useless, like it will never get better, like I want to find the off switch...urg!!! Sigh...I’m such a waste of time. I am so sorry that I affect people. I wish they would all go away and so I could just fade away quietly on my own......tears My heart is filled with fear. Some changes I just can't except or welcome. If I thought it was hard when I thought I had to say goodbye before, it's really hurting me now.
A thank you for your faith and reminder of hope. She wrote to me: "One day you will see how valuable, beautiful and strong you are." If she believes this, I will try to do the same. Through it all, off to bed with a smile for a better day tomorrow. | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
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