I sit here tonight in utter shame...

I have never felt more useless and unworthy in quite some time.
Despite my difficult day my true heart came out and I helped more people then I should of. And now I sit here bloody arms and a lit cigarette in the ashtray and wonder why I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Secretly hoping the world and all that exists would disappear. I say this with such fear for the candle of hope within is still lit, and I quietly sit here with God and pray he knows my heart better then my words and thoughts. 

My candle is lit not from my own hand however.
I have people, other human beings in my life that deem me and the others inside worthy of a flame. Despite my attempts and some days success of blowing it out, they are there lighting it over and over. Offering me another chance at hope. A gift I sadly cannot take with gratitude most days. 

My heart is heavy and my lungs smoke filled, an unhealthy attempt to feel better. No longer forcing the white powder up my nose and soaking my liver with poison, and fogging my brain with unrealistic truths of brilliance, I find myself sad. Overwhelmed with, I even hate the word...feelings. No powder, poison, fog, or brilliance to numb the pain, fear, sadness, felt inside my deepest cells. My whole body wholes this pain. To feels this torture, a prisoner of history. 

I am greeted with claps, embraces, smiles, and well to do for the strength, and courage to with hold these death sentences from my body. Grateful for the love each holds out to me, it however offers no hit to raise the self worth but rather is a reminder of the self hatred glances I give my soul with each reflection in the mirror. 

This is my insight into where my brain goes with the above paragraph and how my damage thinking has tried to figure this out. As food has a short visit into my system before meeting the toilet, the blade takes bloody trips across my skin, as smoke fills my lungs with cancer causing agents, and actions spew from my body, I am to stand proud? Proud in recovery!? 

Truly recovered I am  not. My disease (addiction) is quite active and on a rampage of destroying my being. In a few short days I will be given an honor of receiving a one year clean and sober medallion. I feel less than deserving because as I sit here with God's arms wrapped around me, I am a fraud, a fake. I have but only tackled one symptom of my life threatening illness. 

Many losses have happened over the last little while, and although I am desperately trying not to offend God, I am questioning why? A question that offers no real good or meaning to anyone. Cause in my experience knowing why has never taken away the truth of the matter. 

As I end this silent scream, as the blade is put back in the box, the cigarette butts over fill the ashtray, and I send one more pray towards God, I am filled with tears because the next step is unknown, the faith is shaken, and the truth that shall set me free is locked away for another night.

So much has been going on lately and I have some heavy thoughts and feelings I need to get out.

1st off my aftercare group from rehab has gotten out of control in my mind. It no longer feels like such a safe environment. 90% of the woman are still using, in active addiction. I can not see how this helps anyone who is staying clean. Except that it is a reminder of how ugly active addiction can be and how hard it is out there and that I am truly blessed to be 8 months clean today!
 
These woman are scaring me and I am truly concerned for their safety. I am also noticing how I am becoming judgement and I hate that. I have spend a long time being judged myself. This makes me feel like a bad person inside. I can't help it. Let me explain. 

You see when one of the girls is using and then comes and trys to give me advice on something, I can't help but think. How can you tell me what it is I need to do in order to stay clean and work through something if you are using. It is hard to take advice when I'm thinking, hey, maybe it's a good idea if you took your own advice. I am trying to keep an open mind by saying to myself that everyone has life experience and that is enough to go on. But let me tell you it's hard.

Also some of the girls are using just before group and some even during. I swear some go to the bathroom and use when there. This makes it difficult in many areas.

1st off when you are high at group it makes it difficult to take anything in. When the girls who are clean share, I feel like they are not validated nor listened too. This takes away value from what they are sharing. We can spend 45mins on why someone relapsed which is important no doubt. However in my opinon we don't need 45 mins to figure out why they used. The reality is you use because you want to. I have learned that today you have a choice. I use to believe I didn't have a choice. Today I know I do. And so do they. Nothing can make us use. We use because we want to.

I know for me when I am using I cannot take anything in. Some of the woman don't see the good in their lives because they can't hear the pain of those suffering who are still clean. If they listened to what others where going through they could see how grateful they can be for what they do have. I have many examples but would never get into details because I respect confidetiality way too much . And understand the mportance of it and how it helps to keep the group a safe place to be.

Also we spend a lot of time talking about the bad and rarely get to hear the good of how people are staying clean when we are always focused on those using and how we can make it better for them. Maybe would could start sharing with each other the good we have done in the week and how we are staying clean and what works for us. Never once does a girl using ask another who is not, what they are doing to stay clean and what is helping us who are clean.

I don't know. What I do know is that some changes need to be made. Cause it would break my heart to have to leave. I need to do stuff that helps me grow and I feel so bad saying all this in all honesty because I know my DID attracts attention quite a bit. But the truth is I am tired of hiding behind my DID to share feelings. I want to get brave and start expressing how I am feeling without fear of judgement just cause I have DID. Even people with DID have the right to feel how they do. Feelings are no a matter of right or wrong.

Then at the end of it all I feel like when our regular therapist "Beautiful Spirit" comes back things may start to settle better. The others who have stepped in to help have been nothing short of great but I think there is something to be said about someone being there every week and seeing the real changes happening.

Anyways, I started this off by saying there are a few things and this was the first thing but as far as the 2nd and thrid I will get to them in another entry as I need to go and get some rest.

On a happy note: HAPPY 8 MONTHS TO US!

A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share.