Today we saw PDoc P and she thought it might be a good idea to see Safety Queen our T today after our session with her cause we were feeling so unsafe and she knows that Safety Queen gives us a safe feeling. We spent the time reconnecting and coming up with ways to stay safe. After I told her I would put SI #5 on the coping list she made us a new list (in the picture above). This is helping me to have the strength to get through the next little while. And she left little secret notes to some parts to see as well. So we all have options to cope.
So working through this day 20 as we speak...Any questions about list, you may ask. We love feedback and are willing to share around all this.
May this DAY 20 turn into 21 days in 5 hours!
(Sprayed out T's name in blue for confidentiality.)
I am totally freaked out.
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place.
We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.
This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before.
After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary.
Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....
This was so very re traumatizing.........
So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now. I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense.
I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it.
We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now.
I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell.
This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered.
Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.
I sit here tonight in utter shame...
I have never felt more useless and unworthy in quite some time.
Despite my difficult day my true heart came out and I helped more people then I should of. And now I sit here bloody arms and a lit cigarette in the ashtray and wonder why I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Secretly hoping the world and all that exists would disappear. I say this with such fear for the candle of hope within is still lit, and I quietly sit here with God and pray he knows my heart better then my words and thoughts.
My candle is lit not from my own hand however.
I have people, other human beings in my life that deem me and the others inside worthy of a flame. Despite my attempts and some days success of blowing it out, they are there lighting it over and over. Offering me another chance at hope. A gift I sadly cannot take with gratitude most days.
My heart is heavy and my lungs smoke filled, an unhealthy attempt to feel better. No longer forcing the white powder up my nose and soaking my liver with poison, and fogging my brain with unrealistic truths of brilliance, I find myself sad. Overwhelmed with, I even hate the word...feelings. No powder, poison, fog, or brilliance to numb the pain, fear, sadness, felt inside my deepest cells. My whole body wholes this pain. To feels this torture, a prisoner of history.
I am greeted with claps, embraces, smiles, and well to do for the strength, and courage to with hold these death sentences from my body. Grateful for the love each holds out to me, it however offers no hit to raise the self worth but rather is a reminder of the self hatred glances I give my soul with each reflection in the mirror.
This is my insight into where my brain goes with the above paragraph and how my damage thinking has tried to figure this out. As food has a short visit into my system before meeting the toilet, the blade takes bloody trips across my skin, as smoke fills my lungs with cancer causing agents, and actions spew from my body, I am to stand proud? Proud in recovery!?
Truly recovered I am not. My disease (addiction) is quite active and on a rampage of destroying my being. In a few short days I will be given an honor of receiving a one year clean and sober medallion. I feel less than deserving because as I sit here with God's arms wrapped around me, I am a fraud, a fake. I have but only tackled one symptom of my life threatening illness.
Many losses have happened over the last little while, and although I am desperately trying not to offend God, I am questioning why? A question that offers no real good or meaning to anyone. Cause in my experience knowing why has never taken away the truth of the matter.
As I end this silent scream, as the blade is put back in the box, the cigarette butts over fill the ashtray, and I send one more pray towards God, I am filled with tears because the next step is unknown, the faith is shaken, and the truth that shall set me free is locked away for another night.
This is what rape is doing to me. I am filled with so much anger, hurt and pain and I don't know how to turn it outward. Inwards, no problem, hurting myself and blaming myself is so easy, comes too naturally. The truth is I can't stop because i am not even sure I want to. It hurts soooo bad that it feels good. it is sick, my rational mind knows this but in the moment i can not help myself. I feel like it is the only thing that saves my life. That too sounds weird I know but it's true. I mean i must be getting something from it, if I keep doing it. Okay deep down i wanna stop but I think what stops me the most is that i believe I can't stop, that I will never be free from this addiction to self inflicted pain. The emotions get so big to the point i don't think i can live with it and then I self harm and relief comes. Yes it is short lived but it is a break from the chaos that is inside the head. My head is so loud these days. Everyone inside is all kinds of confused about what is going on and I still don't know all who were present when the rape happened. Trying to go easy on myself and to be gentle. However that is so hard when I am still blaming myself. There are a few things we are keeping locked up inside with fear that others will label us sick and dirty and so we can't speak of them. This secret silence is killing us slowly. Taking a toll daily as we put the blade to our skin once again. A fight that we want to see be lifted from our body, mind, and soul. Anyways, I really needed to share this part of me cause as ugly as this all is, it is my truth. It is my reality these days and I struggle but I know I am not alone in this. There are many like me. this is a fact and yet I have never felt so alone in a long time. Here's praying it gets easier and that I will be free one day of this awful addiction. I want to believe I am better then this and love myself the way so many love me. It saddens me that my life is back in a dark place. I come back home, to the scene of the crime everyday and hope that it isn't true. That a man didn't rape me repeatedly in my own bed. Not only taking a piece of me but also stealing my safe place. God, please help me to find safe again. Inside me and outside as well. Still living in anger and fear,
Valynn and The Bunch
I am hurting so bad right now!
I can’t take this pain!
I just wanna SCREAMMMMMMMM!!!!
But it is stuck inside.
OUCH!! OUCH!! OUCH!!
To breath I need to cut...
I am so sorry, I am, even if you don't believe me...
~Sarah
A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share.
Day 23 is A letter to someone, anyone!
I am taking this title literally, Writing to no one I know, just to that
someone, anyone who reads and listens.
Dear Someone/Anyone,
Have you ever felt so alone in the middle of a crowd?, That you were
screaming and yet only silence was heard?, That even with your best efforts you
come up short?
I have, I am there now. Even when my rational mind knows that people love and
care for me, I am embarrassed to admit that I feel so isolated and alone.
Everyone in my life is trying so hard to be there for me and yet, as my core
belief whispers to me daily..."It's never enough..."
I feel like I don't deserve those who care for me and love me so. I also
secretly, quietly, at night alone, hope that they would just disappear and then
I could just end it all, knowing that no one will be affected from my exit from
this planet I've called home for 33 years.
This world, this life is way out of balance for me these days. More bad,
evil, ugly, then good. My childhood was not one to make a scrap book of memories
over. I sooner forget it. Not such an easy task. My past has it's hands around
my neck and more times then not I can't breath.
Simply opening up my mouth doesn't offer air to my screaming lungs. Rather I
breath through my skin in the form of red tears. Each scar left when settled
tells a story of torment, abuse, evil, and hate. Love is no where to be found in
these times.
Escaping from my mind happens when the white powder is forced up my nose or
the intake of anything that detaches me from my body. A temporary fix that
leaves me with the same horror I try to escape when I return and with nothing
less then added self hatred.
Another form of escape comes from an uncontrolled place when I sit in a
frozen position. I travel to other times, places, and memories, through
alters/dissociating. "We are one body, many souls." My name is Valynn, I suffer
with addiction (145 days clean today.) I am tormented with an addiction to self
harming. (I cut mostly.) I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse/rape. (As a
result I live with DID ~Dissociative Identity Disorder.)
If you or someone you know is suffering please know, you are not alone. I am
the living proof that although we suffer many times alone, in silence, we truly
are not by ourselves. Many, so many, can relate. That is why I feel it is so
important to share your story, through words, song, art, pictures. Whatever
outlet helps you breath in a positive way.
So we can be heard not necessarily by others who don't understand but rather by those who do. So we can draw upon each
others strengths to continue to survive. We were victims, we are survivors but together and only truly together can we become thrivers. The people we were meant to be. Our pain and suffering doesn't have to end in vein. We can use it,
to become powerhouses to those who have not yet found their voice.
I love you all, not because I know you, because I am you. Many have walked the same path.
Let us join hands and hearts and help each other feel the love we all deserve as
human beings first and foremost. Keep yourselves safe tonight and hold onto my
hand knowing in this very moment of darkness, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE!
In Love and Light,
Valynn ~Safe Hugs~
Sorry To The Littles (Alters),
I hurt you again tonight and I am sorry, even though I know that doesn’t
help. I don’t mean to hurt you. I just can’t breath, handle what happened to
me. I can’t get the monsters off the body, out of the body, off the skin, out
of the heart. I’m sorry you hurt too and that I am cause to that a lot these
days. I feel so ashamed.
~Tearfully Regretful, Sarah
1) How old were you when you started self harming?
9 Years Old
2) How often do you self harm?
I use to do it daily when I was younger, now it seems like I do it in binges.
Like hardcore for 3-5 days, take a break and then back at it again.
3) What method of self harm do you use?
Cutting mostly.
4) Do you think that you need professional help?
I am getting it now and have been for awhile.
5) Are you trying to stop self harming?
Yes, I am just scared that even if I want to, need to, that it is not enough
and that I fear I am not ready.
6) Does anyone know about your self harm?
Yes, my family all does, my friends all do, my therapist of course. However I
started at age nine, as said above and it was almost 12 years before someone
found out.
7) How many years have you been self harming?
Whoa, until I did the math I had no idea. Self Harm = 24 years.
8) If you self harm, were you abused or neglected (either as a child
or later in life)?
Yes sexually abused for many years.
9) Would you label yourself as emo?
Nope, not ever close. P.S. For all you uneducated people Emo doesn’t not =
Cutter/Self Harmer and it goes the other way, Cutter/Self Harmer doen not= Emo.
This addiction shows no race, creed, religion, lack of religon. It can and does
affect anyone.
10) Do others label you as emo?
AHA HA HA!! Not that I am aware of and if they do, it sounds like a personal
problem they need help with, for being judgemental. And they say I have all the
problems. Whatev! lol
11) Why did you start?
To distract from the fact that my uncle was molesting me/raping me. Giving me
something other then the abuse to think and feel about.
12) Where do you self harm?
Wrists, arms, thighs.
13) What do you use to self harm yourself?
Blades…and in my opinon this is one of the not so important questions around
this addiction, Im just sayin’.
14) Do you think you can stop?
Honestly, I am afraid to say it but no. I just think I will have times and
periods in my life where I don’t do it and other times when I will keep falling
back on it. But I am hopeful one day will be the last time.
15) Do you want to?
Yes, when I am rational, and no when I am insane.
To those of you who are hurting out there, remember there is hope, there is
help:
http://www.selfinjury.com/
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