Beats me if I know. Yet I am longing for something I may never have even felt before. And if I get it, will it be everything I expect it to be.
I am thinking about two kinds of love tonight.
My littles (alters) are feeling a real low and unloved feeling. They just want someone to hold them, like a motherly love. This is something that was absent in our life. We don't remember being held, rocked to sleep, cuddled with and now we long for it. But how can that possibly be. How could you long for something if you never knew it of it before? Is it possible that you are born with the need to love and be loved? How did I ever learn how to have love for others in my life if it was something that was never really around before?
We feel an overwhelming sense of sadness tonight because we are sitting here all alone and feeling sad and we have no one in our life that we could say hey, can you come over and just sit with us, hold our hand, hold us in your arms. Sounds so pathetic when you say it out loud, or even write it for that matter. You can have a hundred people sitting in a room with you and still feel so utterly alone. I hate that feeling. I am not sure what has triggered this but it is how we are feeling inside.
The other love I long for is to be in a relationship. I so bad want to be able to hold someone in my arms and make them feel special. I have so much love to give and yet here I am sitting once again alone at night, waiting to go to bed alone. I miss being with someone so much. I would make a great wife and yet no one seems to want me in that way. Sure I am not really going out and looking for it so I guess that is why I never really had the chance.
I am just so tired of feeling all alone, inside and around me. Life is too short not to be happy. I just often wonder where my happiness has gotten too. What am I doing so wrong in life as a person that happiness runs from me.
I really hope this doesn't all sound like I am trying to feel sorry for myself because I am not. It just has been too long without someone to hold.
I am also concerned I am not really ready yet and maybe I am looking for something that is not for me right now. It is just so hard to believe that no one is out there for me. And I am also worried that I will find someone only to find out that I am too much for them with all my issues around mental health and addiction. But these are my past mistakes not my new beginning. Do I deserve another chance? Or have I already used them all up?
Anyways, I am just sad right now and feeling alone. I am trying really hard to stay clean and not self harm. Some days are easier then others but tonight seems to be one of the hardest. Mark my words though I will do whatever it takes not to use or self harm. I will rely on some of the tools I have learned so far to cope and I know if I do that I too will get though this moment. And feelings are not forever, they just are. I have learned it is an easier process to sit through them, then try to fight against them. It only brings forth more pain.
In Love and Light, Kido
I am thinking about two kinds of love tonight.
My littles (alters) are feeling a real low and unloved feeling. They just want someone to hold them, like a motherly love. This is something that was absent in our life. We don't remember being held, rocked to sleep, cuddled with and now we long for it. But how can that possibly be. How could you long for something if you never knew it of it before? Is it possible that you are born with the need to love and be loved? How did I ever learn how to have love for others in my life if it was something that was never really around before?
We feel an overwhelming sense of sadness tonight because we are sitting here all alone and feeling sad and we have no one in our life that we could say hey, can you come over and just sit with us, hold our hand, hold us in your arms. Sounds so pathetic when you say it out loud, or even write it for that matter. You can have a hundred people sitting in a room with you and still feel so utterly alone. I hate that feeling. I am not sure what has triggered this but it is how we are feeling inside.
The other love I long for is to be in a relationship. I so bad want to be able to hold someone in my arms and make them feel special. I have so much love to give and yet here I am sitting once again alone at night, waiting to go to bed alone. I miss being with someone so much. I would make a great wife and yet no one seems to want me in that way. Sure I am not really going out and looking for it so I guess that is why I never really had the chance.
I am just so tired of feeling all alone, inside and around me. Life is too short not to be happy. I just often wonder where my happiness has gotten too. What am I doing so wrong in life as a person that happiness runs from me.
I really hope this doesn't all sound like I am trying to feel sorry for myself because I am not. It just has been too long without someone to hold.
I am also concerned I am not really ready yet and maybe I am looking for something that is not for me right now. It is just so hard to believe that no one is out there for me. And I am also worried that I will find someone only to find out that I am too much for them with all my issues around mental health and addiction. But these are my past mistakes not my new beginning. Do I deserve another chance? Or have I already used them all up?
Anyways, I am just sad right now and feeling alone. I am trying really hard to stay clean and not self harm. Some days are easier then others but tonight seems to be one of the hardest. Mark my words though I will do whatever it takes not to use or self harm. I will rely on some of the tools I have learned so far to cope and I know if I do that I too will get though this moment. And feelings are not forever, they just are. I have learned it is an easier process to sit through them, then try to fight against them. It only brings forth more pain.
In Love and Light, Kido
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