-tears
-hope -having a voice -getting through what hurts me and those around me -being strong means I survived -being strong mean I have overcome -being strong is knowing I have loving support -that I can face anything without having to self harm -that after being brutally raped last month I didn't go back to using drugs/alcohol -i survived the attack and didn't take my life -that in 3 days I will have 11 months free of drugs and alcohol, on my way to one year -being strong is facing my abusers -putting my rapist in jail -holding my head high when someone put me down for my weight -for being proud that I am a woman who loves woman -that I too am worthy of being loved -that I can shine even in the darkest storm -also being strong is returning to my home which is the scene on the crime -sleeping in my bed after what happen there and I AM STRONG because I don't do it alone, I do it with God and supports who help teach me everyday to say I am STRONG because I cry, because I am scared because I am vulnerable because I am worth it BECAUSE I SURVIVED! None of this is done in the dark, none of this is hidden. I stand strong with pride because my story has a voice now, I will be heard! 
This is what rape is doing to me. I am filled with so much anger, hurt and pain and I don't know how to turn it outward. Inwards, no problem, hurting myself and blaming myself is so easy, comes too naturally. The truth is I can't stop because i am not even sure I want to. It hurts soooo bad that it feels good. it is sick, my rational mind knows this but in the moment i can not help myself. I feel like it is the only thing that saves my life. That too sounds weird I know but it's true. I mean i must be getting something from it, if I keep doing it. Okay deep down i wanna stop but I think what stops me the most is that i believe I can't stop, that I will never be free from this addiction to self inflicted pain. The emotions get so big to the point i don't think i can live with it and then I self harm and relief comes. Yes it is short lived but it is a break from the chaos that is inside the head. My head is so loud these days. Everyone inside is all kinds of confused about what is going on and I still don't know all who were present when the rape happened. Trying to go easy on myself and to be gentle. However that is so hard when I am still blaming myself. There are a few things we are keeping locked up inside with fear that others will label us sick and dirty and so we can't speak of them. This secret silence is killing us slowly. Taking a toll daily as we put the blade to our skin once again. A fight that we want to see be lifted from our body, mind, and soul. Anyways, I really needed to share this part of me cause as ugly as this all is, it is my truth. It is my reality these days and I struggle but I know I am not alone in this. There are many like me. this is a fact and yet I have never felt so alone in a long time. Here's praying it gets easier and that I will be free one day of this awful addiction. I want to believe I am better then this and love myself the way so many love me. It saddens me that my life is back in a dark place. I come back home, to the scene of the crime everyday and hope that it isn't true. That a man didn't rape me repeatedly in my own bed. Not only taking a piece of me but also stealing my safe place. God, please help me to find safe again. Inside me and outside as well. Still living in anger and fear, Valynn and The Bunch 
Not in a good place in this moment. I know the following images are graphic but the reality is my own. I messed up and wish I could tell someone. Feels somewhat sad to share this to many who read and yet in my own world offline, I have to be silent... I am so sorry, it just hurts so deep.    Safety! It is something many take for granted. I have been given this gift again. I met a beautiful stranger that helped to put this concept back into my life. Bethie, awww Bethie, my sweet, giggly little bundle of joy. 4 Years old and full of spunk and life, with a tongue that never shuts up. Hee hee. This beautiful stranger took Bethie for a walk the other day at the hospital. (As we are inpatient right now in a woman's trauma ward.) Our heart is smiling for what Claire has done for us. She had not one ounce of embarrassment or judgement in her and we appreciate her a great deal. Claire took us out on an adventure to get a $10 salad. We helped her to pick out just what she wanted in her salad. The only hard part is that I wish I didn't just have pieces of our $10 Adventure but the whole outing. I remember Bethie and Claire J-Walking across the street and a brief chat around Law and Order SVU. Also waiting inside the Salad place with Mr.Monks in hand. =) After being sexually assaulted in our apartment we were left with feeling completely unsafe, lost, afraid, and alone. Claire offered an awesome suggestion to leave us feeling safe. Many times in our life we feel unsafe, unheard, and miss understood. We never felt any of these things with Claire. She made Bethie feel safe enough to come out. We feel like she heard how much we are hurting and there was no judgement in her presence what so ever. Claire made us feel okay about things for the first time since the assault. Like a deep breath and a big hug. Regardless what we decide to do around the suggestion, for the first time, it feels like enough. Enough is something we never get to really have or feel. It always feels, never enough, good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, just never enough. Thanks Claire for giving us the feeling of enough. That $10 Salad walk was the turning around point to the road of healing again. Although we are still struggling inside and out we have hope again that things may start getting better, that the hard times will not hit so hard or last as long. We know there will be times when it still gets tough but hope, hope is what will get us to the other side. Once again Claire, thanks so much. May your small deed be known for the greater impact it had on us. We now are sitting in the apartment alone and for the first time feeling a moment of contentment. May you always have your beautiful heart girl! Hope you enjoyed the salad, broccoli and all! LOL Big Safe Hugs! ~Valynn and Bethie!  | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
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