...very scared, just the same!
Beautiful Spirit, PDoc P, Safety Queen, CP, Catt, Taryn, Erin, Ray, Doreen, April, Cindee, Carron, Sally.... (will keep adding)
I can not believe it. Something so scary, weird, and exciting happened today! I heard Bethie, my 4 year old alter. And not from a distance either. I could hear her sweet voice. This makes me cry so hard cause I love Bethie so very much. She is my giggle girl and I can only dream of holding this sweet little angel. We sat side by side for the first time ever. She let me in. She let me be with her unfrozen. Together. It only last a few mins but meant the world to me. It warmed my heart. And I got to share this moment with the my therapist "Beautiful Spirit". I think because she told Bethie to talk to me and that it was okay to talk to me she did. Cause many, wait no, all to my knowledge, trust Beautiful Spirit. I am so glad Bethie got to spend time with her today. She really loved that she got her a hot chocolate. That is Bethie's most favorite treat! Beautiful Spirit means so much to her. She makes her feel safe. She makes many alters feel safe. She was the first person that Tracey (9) ever spoke out loud to. I think it has to do with the fact that we feel such a spiritual connection with this wonderful woman. She treats us with such loving respect and we all hope we never lose her for years to come. After such a hard day it was so nice to have some of her time and her gentle care. I hope she knows just how much we care for her.
Again, OH MY!! Bethie and me together for the first time ever. This is so scary exciting. It takes time to get use to for sure. The only other alter I can talk with is Sarah (22) and we don't always get along so well. My sweet little Bethie likes me, perhaps even loves me back. This, this could be the beginning of something wonderful. I am so scared as I keep saying but am told this is all good stuff that we are starting to connect inside. However, I know the reality is that I am going to be given information sometimes that I don't want to see. That it is not always going to be fun and exciting. However, if I just take it one day at a time and go super slow it may be okay in the end. I am not a stranger to up and downs for sure. Oh oh oh and also Beautiful Spirit said anyone of us can come to group now, even Bethie!! This is too awesome and cool of her. Wow, this woman is too cool. I am so glad that my connection with Bethie included Beautiful Spirit today. I couldn't think of anyone else I would rather share that moment with than her. Thanks Beautiful Spirit for a positive moment to end the day on. You rock! And we are blessed for having you in our lives. Big Hugs!  She approaches the door and they open like a welcome that they were waiting just for her to step inside. She wants them to know she’s not there for her. She is there in one last attempt to do the right thing. A way to say she’s sorry. Afraid that her safe place will think her efforts were dismissed. This is not the case and she just hopes she will one day know this. Her heart knows she has already forgiven her and doesn’t even know it yet. Approaching the second set of doors she wonders if this is all a mistake, or a nightmare, or deserved. In the deepest part of her heart she knows she is here because she is to blame. Could she ever forgive herself for this horrific mistake?!?! A stranger stands in the door of her room and softly says, come with me. Her tone detached as she faces this situation one too many times. Question after question, with an impact not equal to intent. With each word she is hearing her own voice for maybe the first time. Is she talking about herself or someone else? Cotton balls, needles, swabs, gauze, Band-Aids, tests, paper work, in a box with a seal. A collection of damage pieces placed in this box. Paper bags to contain her under clothes. A fresh pair of panties are handed to her with the question do you like blue or would you prefer another. Thinking to her-self, does it really matter when the flames will destroy any proof of their existence. The photo set of snap shots in her head will be plenty souvenir enough of the actual event. She places her head on the soft pillow and hears the words, it’s almost over. And she knows all too well the struggle has only just begun. The pain pierces through her body and she finds herself there again in the moment only a day ago. The tears stream down her face and she questions how she will ever be able to say sorry to the one who offered her another solution. The regret is loud but does not offer a distraction from the memories. The pain is unbearable and her screams suck any oxygen left out of the cold bright room. She can’t breathe and although she knows she doesn’t deserve it, she secretly hopes she will receive support. 6 months to make a tough choice, will she fight or give up again this time. After the deadline it’s all thrown away like nothing happen but stored in her brain. This is not how she thought she would end this day, with pills upon pills to make things okay. Knowing she has done something right for once for herself brings little to no comfort because the sad unfortunate truth is that it was a day too late.  All is lost, in one moment in time...that moment has froze me.  | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
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