Blog Archives

Beautiful Handful (AKA Me, Valynn)

12/30/2011

I spend some precious time with Beautiful Spirit today and she warmed my heart and made me feel beautiful for a moment...
I Heart You Beautiful Spirit and Thanking God tonight for your presence in my life!

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Try To Remember To Never Forget...

12/25/2011

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I will work hard to try to remember to never forget everything Safety Queen has taught us and helping me to be a great protector...cause I suck at it right now...so questioning my purpose.... ~Paula Bear

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FML *Trigger Warning SI SU

12/13/2011

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3 weeks clean from self harm today this early morning and all I can say is FML, that's right....I am so close to just throwing it all away. It is such a craving, I say craving rather than urge cause it is an addiction. Totally!! And if I don't make the first cut I don't have to worry about the cycle going on for days. I am hurting so much and cutting is my voice at times because "using your words" (safety queen) isn't always so easily done. So yeah FML (F**K MY LIFE)!!!!! I am filled with severe distress.

Sadly I am wishing that I could take my life. I hate feeling this way, scared really. Because staying in control is getting harder these days. I am confused much of the time and am writing this now while I am barely hanging on to control to stay present and not dissociate. It is getting cloudy and dark in my head and when the craving to cut is so near I am afraid to leave my own body of fear of what i will come back to.

Part of me, 3 parts in mind, feel like if we just cut and get it over with then perhaps we can just breath and begin again. Sigh....
Sometimes it feels like prolonging the blade against our skin is only stopping what will happen for only a little while. I am so scared cause I am truly fearful that this is for life and that it will never stop. That some days are just easier then others.

I just don't understand it though if I am able to be 11 months and 2 weeks clean from drugs and alcohol why can't I do this too?!?!?!?!

Got to stay in control, gotta keep it together, at least til I get through Christmas for everyone. I don't want to hurt anyone but why is everyone else's happiness worth more then my own. And please don't udder the words this too shall pass. Cause yeah it will but in my past, history, and experience, it just comes back around over and over...it doesn't pass, it takes a break...

I just want to die.

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