I am thinking about the concept of the horrific events in my life not being my fault. Could there be truth to this, are we maybe not to blame for it?!?! And thinking about how much we have cried over the last couple days and how healing that is. It has taken off some of the pressure we feel inside and also talking with Safety Queen and how last session went with her and Tracey and trying to take that all in. She said Tracey drew a picture for her and she doesn't know if it is a good idea to show me or not. Feels that it may be too soon too fast. And so I am thinking all those curious thoughts of what it is about and what she drew.   Got to have a phone session with Safety Queen yesterday after she was away for awhile she thought it may be a good idea to touch base for an hour or so on the phone we talked for an hour and she was proud that I had a list of things prepared and numbered them in order of importance. Of course we didn't get to all 5 things on the list but we talked a great deal about Tracey as she was there at last session. It was quite the session as Tracey decided not to talk to her with her voice, so the session was spent with Safety Queen trying again to learn sign. Tracey found this quite amusing. Listening to Safety Queen talk about Tracey and the session left me feeling kinda weird. The connection SQ has with Tracey can leave me angry sometimes. SQ seems to smile bright when she talks of her. And then I am reminded, we are one of many parts and she smiles big about me too. Hmm, not so sure about that. Then she told me Tracey took and played with a toy. This was huge as Tracey is afraid to play. This to me shows trust we have towards SQ and that made me smile big. There was much more squeezed into this 60mins but I will leave it there for now or this could be a mini novel. I will say after our chat yesterday my day today feels a little stronger and hopeful knowing we get to see her this Friday. 

Today we saw PDoc P and she thought it might be a good idea to see Safety Queen our T today after our session with her cause we were feeling so unsafe and she knows that Safety Queen gives us a safe feeling. We spent the time reconnecting and coming up with ways to stay safe. After I told her I would put SI #5 on the coping list she made us a new list (in the picture above). This is helping me to have the strength to get through the next little while. And she left little secret notes to some parts to see as well. So we all have options to cope.

So working through this day 20 as we speak...Any questions about list, you may ask. We love feedback and are willing to share around all this. 

May this DAY 20 turn into 21 days in 5 hours! 

(Sprayed out T's name in blue for confidentiality.) 

So, I have learned that Tracey (9) was the one who took us there, to that horrible place.

My therapist and others have helped me figure some things out. 
Not everything but I get the overall idea of what is going on. 

Tracey feels like no one sees her and that we don't believe what has happened to her. She also feels like I, Valynn don't believe that that place is real and that it didn't all happen.

I do know that place is real. I just don't want to know everything that has happened. I know I will have to think it and feel it and work through it in order for all of us to heal. But it is so scared and I don't feel ready.

I was so angry with Tracey for doing this but I am starting to take it in and understand why. Knowing why does not make it less painful or easy to face. 

Looks like therapy will be quite intense over the next little while. 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyways. 

I can see how brave it was for Tracey to go there and then admit to someone that it was her and why. I think I struggle so much of course cause it is I who is attached personally to these places and feelings and events. 

Anyways feel like I am rambling but I am trying to still take this all in and process it all as well.