whatever, whatever, whatever!! 
I hate you, you hate me, yet here we sit together comfortabley.... 
Leave me alone, let me go 
what I feel inside? Ha, you'll never know... 
Don't think of me and please don't care 
cause when you turn around I will no longer be there. 
you said give you a call, never chance it alone 
and i will most likely sit and cut to the bone 

yup you heard me, I am a cutter who cuts my skin 
i dont know any other way to let things in 
feelings are too big me for to handle deep inside 
so instead of trying it will you, just gonna say goodbye 

i dont fucking need you, not for a second of my day 
think i never did this before i got my own ways 
they may not be the way you do but ask if i give a shit 
i got my own tools on my lap, sitting in this kit 

tried to do it for you all but right now i am hearing Gods call 
he is calling out to me to saY i am right where i shoud be 
i want to scream, I want to cry but most of all i want to die 

dont let this shock your little minded ass, this is a result from my horrid past 
there is a difference between feelings and thoughts 
wish you could get that but I guess not 
I am so tireed of feeling bad, spending much of my time feeling sad 

i am beginnning to wonder if i deserve any help for what was done 
this life and all around me is no longer any fun 
the pain keeps piecing into my soul and killing me a bit each time 
but people think the plan i live is purly just mine 

someone just interupted and now i dont know what the fuck to say 
thank God its almost over and I can begin another day........ 


This was a speed writing vent that i did in 60 secs no editing, no stopping.....  

I am thinking about the concept of the horrific events in my life not being my fault. Could there be truth to this, are we maybe not to blame for it?!?! And thinking about how much we have cried over the last couple days and how healing that is. It has taken off some of the pressure we feel inside and also talking with Safety Queen and how last session went with her and Tracey and trying to take that all in. She said Tracey drew a picture for her and she doesn't know if it is a good idea to show me or not. Feels that it may be too soon too fast. And so I am thinking all those curious thoughts of what it is about and what she drew.   Got to have a phone session with Safety Queen yesterday after she was away for awhile she thought it may be a good idea to touch base for an hour or so on the phone we talked for an hour and she was proud that I had a list of things prepared and numbered them in order of importance. Of course we didn't get to all 5 things on the list but we talked a great deal about Tracey as she was there at last session. It was quite the session as Tracey decided not to talk to her with her voice, so the session was spent with Safety Queen trying again to learn sign. Tracey found this quite amusing. Listening to Safety Queen talk about Tracey and the session left me feeling kinda weird. The connection SQ has with Tracey can leave me angry sometimes. SQ seems to smile bright when she talks of her. And then I am reminded, we are one of many parts and she smiles big about me too. Hmm, not so sure about that. Then she told me Tracey took and played with a toy. This was huge as Tracey is afraid to play. This to me shows trust we have towards SQ and that made me smile big. There was much more squeezed into this 60mins but I will leave it there for now or this could be a mini novel. I will say after our chat yesterday my day today feels a little stronger and hopeful knowing we get to see her this Friday.