So, I have learned that Tracey (9) was the one who took us there, to that horrible place.

My therapist and others have helped me figure some things out. 
Not everything but I get the overall idea of what is going on. 

Tracey feels like no one sees her and that we don't believe what has happened to her. She also feels like I, Valynn don't believe that that place is real and that it didn't all happen.

I do know that place is real. I just don't want to know everything that has happened. I know I will have to think it and feel it and work through it in order for all of us to heal. But it is so scared and I don't feel ready.

I was so angry with Tracey for doing this but I am starting to take it in and understand why. Knowing why does not make it less painful or easy to face. 

Looks like therapy will be quite intense over the next little while. 

Feeling the fear and doing it anyways. 

I can see how brave it was for Tracey to go there and then admit to someone that it was her and why. I think I struggle so much of course cause it is I who is attached personally to these places and feelings and events. 

Anyways feel like I am rambling but I am trying to still take this all in and process it all as well. 

I am totally freaked out. 
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place. 

We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.

This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before. 

After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary. 

Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....


This was so very re traumatizing.........

So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now.  I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense. 

I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it. 

We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now. 

I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell. 

This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered. 

Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.

Love, Big me

 I felt like I wanted to talk about my nightmares this evening. As bedtime nears I think about it a lot. Bedtime has always been hard for us. There was even a time  when I fought going to bed, before I got meds to help with it, to fall asleep.

 I would do whatever it took to stay up until I finally past out from two or three days on the go.
My past haunts my sleep. There are times when I can go for months and nothing at all. Then something triggers the nightmares to start up again. I have different kinds of nightmares, some are re-occuring and others are new. Most often they are being about being held down and not being able to get away. I am frozen and can’t walk or run or scream in these nightmares.

For some reason in a lot of them I am not young I am me but I feel very small and childlike. There are times when I am little but not that often. The worse part is waking up and remembering everything and it just sets the day off 
to be bad. It can take the whole day sometimes to shake the feelings of the nightmares. I really hate those ones the most. 
 
Then there are the ones when you wake up screaming in terror and fear and can’t move. It can take us quite awhile to realize that it was only a dream and that it is not really happening. Since I live alone this can be quite scary cause I never had the feeling like I could go to my parents room for safe keeping. There was no safe place as a child.

I remember loving going to school because it was my chance to just get away from it all. I loved school and found my safe in many teachers over the years. I hate looking back and seeing myself as a person on the search for love and safety. These nightmares take the safe out of my life on a regular basis.

There is a gift in all this. I have had to create a  safe place. 
 
This place has become so beautiful over the years as it has developed. Our safe place is a garden. In this garden it is filled with daisies and frogs and turtles. Lots of trees and most are weeping willows. There is a stream of water running through and the Little’s have the most awesome tree swings. There are 2 of them because that way we can bring someone along if we don’t want to be alone.

There is beautiful music playing, with pianos and guitars. There are fairies there too and pretty benches to sit and just read if need be, or to sit and chat with someone. You can smell all the pretty flowers and the scent of vanilla, all the clouds are so white as snow and you can climb up on them and ride through the sky for a nice nap. This place is so safe that we can even close our eyes and feel safe. Cause no one can come here without our permission.

There is also a tree house that is decorated so pretty, even with pink little curtains and tree stumps to sit on. It is very cool in there trust me. There are dolls and teddy bears all around and a tea set too. There is also a treasure chest that is filled with magic wands and fancy dress up clothes. In there we also have a huge toy box and  it is filled with trucks and cars, and transformers, coloring books, and pirate  costumes.

Down under the tree house floor there is a huge sandbox and we  love going there to build the most biggest beautiful castles.
Bethie loves it  here most of all because dragons come and play, but they are not like regular  dragons, these ones breath sparkles. They come to see the castles and take us  for rides, it is so much fun here. We get water from the
clean stream to build  water around the castle walls. 

There is also a bake shop here where you can go and make cookies, muffins, cakes and more. Then all the colors of the rainbow in decorations. The place is always filled with balloons and cool dance music. When you come here you can bake, decorate, dance, and smile.

It is a place that leaves us feeling good inside, safe inside. A chance to get away from the yuckies. There are never any yuckies here, we love this place. 

Thanks for stopping by and visiting our place though words, glad you could be apart of it. 

With every kind wish, Valynn and the Original Kido Bunch