I am totally freaked out.
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place.
We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.
This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before.
After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary.
Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....
This was so very re traumatizing.........
So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now. I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense.
I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it.
We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now.
I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell.
This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered.
Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.
We dissociated a couple of nights ago and when we came to so to speak and the awareness returned it was like 3am and we were sitting 2 and half hours from home in a park right beside our childhood home where all the sexual abuse took place.
We began to shake uncontrollably when I, Valynn realized where I was. It was the same but difference. Took a few mins to realize where we were.
This was the place where my uncle first hurt us by having sex with us when the body was 9. The abuse started at age four to our memory, maybe before.
After not being here for over 23 years the shock was so so so scary.
Memories stared flooding back in and I quickly began questioning those inside as to why? Unfortunately in a very freaked out angry way. I started yelling why would you ever fucking bring me here. What in the world are you trying to tell me. Why would you bring me to hell on earth again....
This was so very re traumatizing.........
So much so that even writing this is bringing it back. I have no idea how I have not cut around it yet. I am fighting the urges so bad right now. I am feeling unsafe inside. Not life threatening unsafe but super little scary unsafe. If that makes any sense.
I then called someone, a safe friend, to come to get us. He did and helped me write a note reading. "I survived this place" and posted it up where people could see it.
We have not lost time like this in a long time. It scares us and wondering why now.
I wish I could find the words to express how devastating it was to be back 23 years later in a place of hell.
This place where many men hurt me daily for years...I don't know how to close this or deal with this, or process this. I am needing much support. I need to say more but will stop for now as I am getting quite re- triggered.
Gotta go....hugs and feedback welcomed please.
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