The Littles, mostly Bethie and Tracey wanted to give
our one on one therapist, "Queen Saftey" a hug today
so we thought this would be a nice way to
share that with her and for them.
They agreed this would be good for them too,
as we cannot see her on the weekend of course.
~The littles adore her, wonder if she knows just how much. ~
SAD. SCARED, TERROR, FEAR, LONELY are just a few things I feel this early 4:35am and still no sleep. Cutting quite a bit =( Sorry to those who love and care about me...I truly am sorry but it's not about you, really, as hard as that may sound. I am feeling like giving up again, it's a scary feeling when suicide becomes an option again. I am working hard on doing things so this doesn't happen. As someone with DID it can be concerning more so cause I'm afraid it would happen and I may not ever know...Call my support team and left messages on the advice of PDoc P, that girl rocks. Glad she is in my life. My hope is that we can come up with a plan to help me stay safe. Anyways, I am just rambling to I'll end there for now, off to see if I can maybe get a few hours of sleep in. Pray for me or send positive energies please....
Today she told me I was loveable! It put a smile on my face and in my heart. It gave me the strength I needed to make it one more day. Thanks PDoc P!
It’s a cycle, a never ending cirlcle…This too shall pass, yes and then you
come full circle and it hits you again. You should be use to it, I tell myself.
It is familiar here this place I have come to many times. And yet it hits me
like the first time each time. Never able to get use to it….=’(
I’m tired…….
1. The illness I live with is…
Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Addiction (drugs, alcohol, self harm, food) Bulimia and Depression.
2. I was diagnosed in the year…
DID: Age 17 PTSD/Anxiety Disorder/Depression: Age 13 Bulimia: Early 20s Addict: Late Teens
3. But I’ve had symptoms since…
I am guessing around the age of 4. I remember kindergarden and how tough it was with these pressing issues.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make…
Living alone isn’t an easy adjustment. Also having friends in my life today is difficult. It isn’t always easy to explain where you are at. Staying clean is a huge adjustment. Viewing life though clean and sober eyes isn’t always easy.
5. Most people assume…
That I can just “STOP” or “LET IT GO!” Also that therapy isn’t do much good. Therapy in my view is not to fix me but rather to maintain me.
6. The hardest part about mornings is….
Not knowing what to expect of the day or who I will be or where I will end up. Also most of my panic attacks and anxiety come in the mornings.
7. My favorite medical TV show is…
Hmmm, not sure. I am a die hard fan of Law and Order SVU though.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is….
My computer I guess cause I do a lot of theraputic work on here, such as my site and blogging.
9. The hardest part about nights are….
Nightmares, flashbacks, alters not quieting down enough to sleep.
10. Each day I take ___ vitamins and pills…
I am only on 2 Psyc Med right now. Also medical meds for Diabetes
11. Regarding alternative treatments…
I believe talk therapy is the best because it is our secrets that keep us sick. Also being inpatient has always benifited me cause I am taken out of the environment that feels hard to cope with at the moment. Being around professional staff helps keep me safe at times.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose…
Ultimately neither. Or Both. Cause invisable means I can hide when I need to yet visible I think people are more able to understand and/or accept.
13. Regarding working and a career…
I am looking forward to working towards being a therapist. Who better to understand. It saddens me though cause I seem to have bouts of work here and there but hard to stay stable at this point in my recoery.
14. People would be surprised to know…
That I have DID and that I struggle as much as I do when I am alone. Also that I love country music lmao
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is…
It’s gonna get tougher before it gets better. And that once you open things up, there is no off switch.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was….
Work, acting, and making and maintaining new friendships.
17. The commercials about my illness…
Are not enough. Most are about meds and side effects, we need more real educating. Especially around DID.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is….
Feeling okay about who I am. It wasn’t until after dx that I felt feelings of embarassment and shame.
19. It was really hard to give up….
Drug and Alcohol…My way of coping before it turned on me and made things worse. It was like losing a best friend.
20. A new hobby I’ve taken up since my diagnosis..
Photography. Helps me to see how the alters view the world too and what they like to look at.
21. If I could have one day of feeling completely normal again, I would…
Not even take time to think about that. There is no again for me, I have only known me this way, this IS my normal.
22. My illness has taught me…
That as smart as humans are, how stupid they can still be around mental health. We sent a man to the moon, Makes things fly, found a way to travel on water, and our tec world WHOA, yet you can still find a way to be ignorant towards things you know nothing about. Human compassion has a long way to go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that really gets under my skin is..
“DID isn’t real.”
“Just let it go.”
“Choose to be happy.”
24. But I love it when people…
Really listen and ask questions because they want to be a better person just for knowing.
25. My favorite motto that gets me through tough times is…
This too shall pass…
26. When someone is diagnosed, I like to tell them…
That you can still life a full life like everyone else. And don’t let it define who you are.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is…
There are a few who are willing to learn, listen, and love you, just how you are. You just have to risk and give people a chance. This is hard but I try to live by it.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was…
He held my hand, told me he loved me, and that I was deserving and worthly of living.
She validated how I was feeling and made me see that I am a Beautiful Handful.
She gave me her time, ear, patience, and a hug. The Purple Sparkly Ball was an awesome bonus too...hee hee.
29. The fact that you read this list makes me feel…
Like I have a voice.
Dear Baby Me,
I think of you often, I think of you everyday.
You're little
curls and tiny hands and all that you lost.
I'm sorry that you
were scared and no one came to save the day.
As a result i know
you hurt today.
I cry for you today because you couldn't then.
I'm here now to
love you and to be your friend.
I'm trying hard to love you and
hold you in our heart.
It isn't always easy, for the memories
that you hold.
I want to let you know I haven't given up.
I just need some time
to learn where you have been.
You are so very precious and didn't deserve
what you went through.
So we'll figure it out together, alittle
at a time.
It's ok for you to tell my secrets we've been through.
As scared
as I am we can do it, me and you.
Love, Big me
You stole a piece of me.
A piece lost forever.
A piece floating, lost someone in time.
A missing space left where that piece of me should of been.
Left feeling all alone in this world.
I am many, not by choice.
Alone and cold, a child with no friends.
Dark and scared, blind folded and unaware.
Not knowing it's wrong but knowing it's hell.
I found a way to make it, a way that left me lost.
No one to help me, to keep me safe, no one to hold me,
struggling to live just one more day.
The dream to start over, to get a chance again.
To dream of unicorns, candy, and a kiss from the prince.
Instead a wish whispered into the night.
For light, love, safety and one wish.
A wish for them to stop and a body that is mine.
Tears flow and then stop in fear.
Weak and shakey, broken and bruised.
Wishing she was never born and questioning why?!
What has she done wrong.
Her inner friends come to stay awhile.
Some older, some big and some very strong.
Some little, some scared, their here to share.
Unable to indure alone.
They came to her when she called.
No real friends only those inside.
And when one wants to talk the others go and hide.
I tried to push them all away,
They say I'm loved and mean it alot.
Wish I could feel it instead of the emptiness within.
Used and abused, left cold to rot.
They were my only comfort.
As a child I talked to them plenty.
Now grow not so much.
Most days I feel bad.
Not worthy to live.
Destroyed beyond repair.
A handful we've become.
I'm sorry are words I wish I couldn't say.
But I say them often and I say them everyday.
Where do we go from here?
Are we going to make it?
Always find the strength to make it one more day.
Today there are people.
People who say they care.
Soon these people will let go of her little hand.
Will she take her first steps on her own?
Only time, of which she rarely has will hold the unknown.
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