Today we saw PDoc P and she thought it might be a good idea to see Safety Queen our T today after our session with her cause we were feeling so unsafe and she knows that Safety Queen gives us a safe feeling. We spent the time reconnecting and coming up with ways to stay safe. After I told her I would put SI #5 on the coping list she made us a new list (in the picture above). This is helping me to have the strength to get through the next little while. And she left little secret notes to some parts to see as well. So we all have options to cope.

So working through this day 20 as we speak...Any questions about list, you may ask. We love feedback and are willing to share around all this. 

May this DAY 20 turn into 21 days in 5 hours! 

(Sprayed out T's name in blue for confidentiality.) 

You stole a piece of me.
A piece lost forever.
A piece floating, lost someone in time.
A missing space left where that piece of me should of been.
Left feeling all alone in this world.
I am many, not by choice.
Alone and cold, a child with no friends.
Dark and scared, blind folded and unaware.
Not knowing it's wrong but knowing it's hell.
I found a way to make it, a way that left me lost.
No one to help me, to keep me safe, no one to hold me,
struggling to live just one more day.
The dream to start over, to get a chance again.
To dream of unicorns, candy, and a kiss from the prince.
Instead a wish whispered into the night.
For light, love, safety and one wish.
A wish for them to stop and a body that is mine.
Tears flow and then stop in fear.
Weak and shakey, broken and bruised.
Wishing she was never born and questioning why?!
What has she done wrong.
Her inner friends come to stay awhile.
Some older, some big and some very strong.
Some little, some scared, their here to share.
Unable to indure alone.
They came to her when she called.
No real friends only those inside.
And when one wants to talk the others go and hide.
I tried to push them all away,
They say I'm loved and mean it alot.
Wish I could feel it instead of the emptiness within.
Used and abused, left cold to rot.
They were my only comfort.
As a child I talked to them plenty.
Now grow not so much.
Most days I feel bad.
Not worthy to live.
Destroyed beyond repair.
A handful we've become.
I'm sorry are words I wish I couldn't say.
But I say them often and I say them everyday.
Where do we go from here?
Are we going to make it?
Always find the strength to make it one more day.
Today there are people.
People who say they care.
Soon these people will let go of her little hand.
Will she take her first steps on her own?
Only time, of which she rarely has will hold the unknown.

Today I had a team meeting with: 
 -long term therapist of 3 years
-aftercare group therapist/ one on one
-current one on one aftercare therapist
-Pdoc
-Social Worker
-Sponsor
-Me/Us (Paula/Sarah were present as well)

I was so afraid of this meeting, as I appeciate each person there one on one, it was alittle intimidating to be in a room with all of them together. Wasn't sure what to expect. Would they like each other? Would I be heard? Will I switch from feeling overwelmed? Would my sponsor get to share what he needed too? Would everyone leave that room with a plan in mind, most importantly me? These and many questions I faced when I walk into that room. I knew that changes would be the #1 outcome of this time together. As a result of this fear I had Paula and Sarah at the front when I walked in. The first thing I did was tell them both they could stay listening and I would speak for them but please not to take over the body, as I needed to be very much present for this meeting.

The meeting went so great. We managed as a team, and may I add I love feeling apart of this team, to come to create a great plan for my therapies in the near future. It is nice to be on a team that is focused on my well being and being a part if the decision making too. I was very much involved.

My long term therapist and I are taking a break over the summer. This worries me cause as much as it is healthy to start breaking from her a bit I can't imagine life without her. She has given me the gift of boundries and has created a safe environment for me to come to and vent. So with fear I am going to make the healthy decision to take a break. Many inside do not want to leave her either. Some are saying that we need her cause she is the first to welcome us all as a whole in that room, every session and has even helped Paula feel a little more comfortable. She is around in sessions lots more. I am happy about that. Anyways, feeling the fear and doing it anyways.

I will start seeing the aftercare therapist one on one over the summer and I couldn't be more happy about this, as I adore her and she has become the first person ever, I mean ever, that not one alter dislikes. Some proceed with caution, yet they are all. we are all open to hearing what she has to say. Many times when I sit in a room with her present I find myself looking over at her and thinking wow, this woman is too cool. I hold her dear to my heart and am too happy to work with her in one way or another.

My current one on one for aftercare is the most beautiful, patient person I have met. I have one more session with her and this saddens me but I am very proud that we are using our words with her help to get through it. The littles are the most upset and Tracey scares me the most when leaving her because I notice that Tracey feels like cutting everytime the topic or feelings around leaving/ending come up. Will write more about this as it approaches. We will miss her greatly.

Seeing our new Pdoc means so very much as we have been looking to work with someone with her knowledge and education around DID for so many years. It also helps that she has an awesome personality that makes us smile inside. We are so excited to hear she has an opening avaliable to start seeing us. YAY! This is the best change that I heard in the meeting, Looking forward to working with her very much.

My social worker is such a sweetie and so helpful when it comes to helping with housing, school, and other community supports and although she is an awesome support we are cutting down to seeing each other 1-2 per month as suppose to 4 times a months. This will take off some stress of keeping up with so many appointments. However we are greatful to have her come and see us at home. Makes us feel safe knowing someone is checking in from time to time.

Then there is my sponsor. The greatest man I have ever met. I love him dearly and feel his love for me in return. He made me feel so special today with his words of caring, support and love. I am truly blessed to have him show up for me when I needed him most and he did it and took time off work without hesitation. I love him and am proud to call him Dad.

A special thanks to all of them for being there with a common goal to help me. To help us. Everyone in that room either has great knowledge of DID or willing to learn. Either way they care about us and their support always goes above and beyond. Thanks also to Paula and Sarah for giving me the space to be present in this meeting. It meant a lot to me girls.
In Love and Light,
Valynn

A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share.