 Drew this to represent how I was feeling after our last session with Safety Queen on Friday July th 2012
(In honour of trusting her and taking her hand to help guide me, we are wrapped together by my ribbon (Goy Goy) Question: Color or no color? She said, (when I was struggling and crying) that her office I could call home. This made me cry hard, I felted warm, care for. It was awesome and overwhelming if that makes sense. She is such a gentle soul, a blanket, a teddy bear, a journal, a kind heart, that I am proud to call my therapist, even if I view her more as a spiritual healer.
Just cried my eyes out to my T and told her everything going on with my sponsor and friends leaving me and all against me right now. She assured me again that she wasn't going anywhere. And still cares very much and told us how touched she was from our email telling her about how special she is to us and that she is an unaware light in our life and how much she means to us and we talked about safety plan for the next 2 days and then basically worked on the good bye for the day...always hard to leave her. Seeing her again Friday!! Can't wait cause she has a great basket of toys ;)
So yup that's my life right now...off again lost and alone...watching as people keep quickly dropping out of my life. My heart hurts so much. Loss is hard at any level, anytime it happens. Losing my sponsor in my life has been the biggest hit I have taken in a long time.
On a side note...I am excited about my new 34 year old wrinkles! Yahooo!!! Now come on grey hair...let's get on with this already! ~Side Note Of Side Note: Sarcasm to get on with life, ya know...yeah...
I don't know my head is as messed up and unorganized as this entry. Trying to figure out if I am empty from loss or lightened of the weight it all brought to us as a whole system.
The hardest part is Tracey (9) is missing him so much...she is so sad inside and angry and scared cause he is gone now. He was the only man on the planet that she felt safe with, that she trusted. The only man that could touch her. We for a moment in time were Daddy's Little Girl and thank him that for always. Love You and Will Miss You In My Life....it's harder cause you still breath, I know you are physically still here and I can't be apart of you but know for eternity you will always be a part of me. You can never take away the memories that made me feel loved so many time when we were together. Those are what I am choosing to hold on to in hope that I can be strong enough to get to the other side of this all.
Not in a good place these days, the system is all kinds of messed up.
We fell apart. I am so broken hearted, we loss our clean time. Paula, Sarah and I, Valynn.
Life got too hard but there is no giving up, no giving in. I still have 2 strong supports standing it with me still. Which is Safety Queen and PDoc P.
Tears fall but thinking of the light I still see in another human being and she is shining it on me as bright as she can, determined for me not to fade into the darkness, She is relentless! Not giving up on any of us. This being keeps me curious and going daily...I want to see what she sees, I want to see what she sees is worth saving.
Today has not been a good day, we did some T homework and lost another support from our team of supports.
Looking at why we relapsed sucks so much...
We have not cut or self harmed in days, we usually don't use and self harm together... but the urges of the blade are calling some of us again and we are afraid we will not find a way to stop this out of control ride and get off to walk a straight line.
Wanna say so much more but leaving there for now.
Valynn and the bunch
I am thinking about the concept of the horrific events in my life not being my fault. Could there be truth to this, are we maybe not to blame for it?!?! And thinking about how much we have cried over the last couple days and how healing that is. It has taken off some of the pressure we feel inside and also talking with Safety Queen and how last session went with her and Tracey and trying to take that all in. She said Tracey drew a picture for her and she doesn't know if it is a good idea to show me or not. Feels that it may be too soon too fast. And so I am thinking all those curious thoughts of what it is about and what she drew. Got to have a phone session with Safety Queen yesterday after she was away for awhile she thought it may be a good idea to touch base for an hour or so on the phone we talked for an hour and she was proud that I had a list of things prepared and numbered them in order of importance. Of course we didn't get to all 5 things on the list but we talked a great deal about Tracey as she was there at last session. It was quite the session as Tracey decided not to talk to her with her voice, so the session was spent with Safety Queen trying again to learn sign. Tracey found this quite amusing. Listening to Safety Queen talk about Tracey and the session left me feeling kinda weird. The connection SQ has with Tracey can leave me angry sometimes. SQ seems to smile bright when she talks of her. And then I am reminded, we are one of many parts and she smiles big about me too. Hmm, not so sure about that. Then she told me Tracey took and played with a toy. This was huge as Tracey is afraid to play. This to me shows trust we have towards SQ and that made me smile big. There was much more squeezed into this 60mins but I will leave it there for now or this could be a mini novel. I will say after our chat yesterday my day today feels a little stronger and hopeful knowing we get to see her this Friday.
I am thinking about the level of emotion I have going on tonight, the last five days have been tough but easy to cope with, lack of sleep has been hard on us but still managed to make it through the days. Today we are thinking we are headed for a crash. One can only hold on to intense emotions for so long and something has got to give. We just hope that something presents itself in a healthy way.
Today's session was quite intense. I read Safety Queen a poem we wrote a night ago and it triggered me to no end. I acted and stay calm all through session until near the end. At the end I kinda curled up in the chair to comfort myself. In hopes that I could stay present until the end of session at least. I managed too.
We also spoke about our check in and I explained to Safety Queen that scales are not very good for those with DID, that she may as well ask a room full of people to come up with one number to identify a question. She understood and fixed up check in for the time being with a new approach. We will listen inside and identify the highest number and who and the lowest number and who.
I always feel safe with my T after all she is the Safety Queen but today in that room I felt so scared for the first time since the beginning. I wanted to scream so bad...OUCH!!! I was feeling every thought in my body and the pain was intense. I took a deep internal breath and held it in appearing to remain calm. I was having a body fb right in front of her and I don't think she had a clue.
My fear as we go deeper into these issues I am dealing with that therapy may get scary. At the very least I know, that no matter what happens in that room, I am protected and cared for, we all are.
Thanks Safety Queen and sorry for all "I'm Sorries" today LOL ~Take it back!
Today was literally my last session with "Meeka" my T for over 4 and a half years. It is sad and was so very hard to say goodbye. We were both in tears as i left her office turning around to ask. "Meeka, will you ever forget me?" she replied "You, my dear are unforgettable. And I will always keep a piece of Bethie with me, right here." *touches her heart. OMGosh I am so crying right now. We went over the last few years as best we could in a short hour. Our last hour together. I felt so proud and she was proud of me for making it through the transition from her to Safety Queen, my current T. She helped me find her and remained with me from time to time the last few months as I settled in with my new safe place in Safety Queen. She drew me a butterfly to have in my collection on a card to hold onto always. *tears falling hard.
I will miss her so much. I have settled quite nicely in my place with Safety Queen but closing this part of my recovery is proving quite difficult. I cannot believe I will no longer sit in that office and share my most deep and inner thoughts with the first person to understand and dedicate her life to DID. She has helped me figure out many of my parts and who they are.
~Okay gotta stop thinking of this for now and hard to see the screen through the tears.
Today we saw PDoc P and she thought it might be a good idea to see Safety Queen our T today after our session with her cause we were feeling so unsafe and she knows that Safety Queen gives us a safe feeling. We spent the time reconnecting and coming up with ways to stay safe. After I told her I would put SI #5 on the coping list she made us a new list (in the picture above). This is helping me to have the strength to get through the next little while. And she left little secret notes to some parts to see as well. So we all have options to cope.
So working through this day 20 as we speak...Any questions about list, you may ask. We love feedback and are willing to share around all this.
May this DAY 20 turn into 21 days in 5 hours!
(Sprayed out T's name in blue for confidentiality.)
So much has been going on lately and I have some heavy thoughts and feelings I need to get out.
1st off my aftercare group from rehab has gotten out of control in my mind. It no longer feels like such a safe environment. 90% of the woman are still using, in active addiction. I can not see how this helps anyone who is staying clean. Except that it is a reminder of how ugly active addiction can be and how hard it is out there and that I am truly blessed to be 8 months clean today!
These woman are scaring me and I am truly concerned for their safety. I am also noticing how I am becoming judgement and I hate that. I have spend a long time being judged myself. This makes me feel like a bad person inside. I can't help it. Let me explain.
You see when one of the girls is using and then comes and trys to give me advice on something, I can't help but think. How can you tell me what it is I need to do in order to stay clean and work through something if you are using. It is hard to take advice when I'm thinking, hey, maybe it's a good idea if you took your own advice. I am trying to keep an open mind by saying to myself that everyone has life experience and that is enough to go on. But let me tell you it's hard.
Also some of the girls are using just before group and some even during. I swear some go to the bathroom and use when there. This makes it difficult in many areas.
1st off when you are high at group it makes it difficult to take anything in. When the girls who are clean share, I feel like they are not validated nor listened too. This takes away value from what they are sharing. We can spend 45mins on why someone relapsed which is important no doubt. However in my opinon we don't need 45 mins to figure out why they used. The reality is you use because you want to. I have learned that today you have a choice. I use to believe I didn't have a choice. Today I know I do. And so do they. Nothing can make us use. We use because we want to.
I know for me when I am using I cannot take anything in. Some of the woman don't see the good in their lives because they can't hear the pain of those suffering who are still clean. If they listened to what others where going through they could see how grateful they can be for what they do have. I have many examples but would never get into details because I respect confidetiality way too much . And understand the mportance of it and how it helps to keep the group a safe place to be.
Also we spend a lot of time talking about the bad and rarely get to hear the good of how people are staying clean when we are always focused on those using and how we can make it better for them. Maybe would could start sharing with each other the good we have done in the week and how we are staying clean and what works for us. Never once does a girl using ask another who is not, what they are doing to stay clean and what is helping us who are clean.
I don't know. What I do know is that some changes need to be made. Cause it would break my heart to have to leave. I need to do stuff that helps me grow and I feel so bad saying all this in all honesty because I know my DID attracts attention quite a bit. But the truth is I am tired of hiding behind my DID to share feelings. I want to get brave and start expressing how I am feeling without fear of judgement just cause I have DID. Even people with DID have the right to feel how they do. Feelings are no a matter of right or wrong.
Then at the end of it all I feel like when our regular therapist "Beautiful Spirit" comes back things may start to settle better. The others who have stepped in to help have been nothing short of great but I think there is something to be said about someone being there every week and seeing the real changes happening.
Anyways, I started this off by saying there are a few things and this was the first thing but as far as the 2nd and thrid I will get to them in another entry as I need to go and get some rest.
On a happy note: HAPPY 8 MONTHS TO US!
How am I ever going to decide?
I have to make a choice where both sides are 100% Yes. It's a 50/50 split.
~And a choice has to be made.
Either way = my heart will be broken.
Today I had a team meeting with:
-long term therapist of 3 years
-aftercare group therapist/ one on one
-current one on one aftercare therapist
-Pdoc
-Social Worker
-Sponsor
-Me/Us (Paula/Sarah were present as well)
I was so afraid of this meeting, as I appeciate each person there one on one, it was alittle intimidating to be in a room with all of them together. Wasn't sure what to expect. Would they like each other? Would I be heard? Will I switch from feeling overwelmed? Would my sponsor get to share what he needed too? Would everyone leave that room with a plan in mind, most importantly me? These and many questions I faced when I walk into that room. I knew that changes would be the #1 outcome of this time together. As a result of this fear I had Paula and Sarah at the front when I walked in. The first thing I did was tell them both they could stay listening and I would speak for them but please not to take over the body, as I needed to be very much present for this meeting.
The meeting went so great. We managed as a team, and may I add I love feeling apart of this team, to come to create a great plan for my therapies in the near future. It is nice to be on a team that is focused on my well being and being a part if the decision making too. I was very much involved.
My long term therapist and I are taking a break over the summer. This worries me cause as much as it is healthy to start breaking from her a bit I can't imagine life without her. She has given me the gift of boundries and has created a safe environment for me to come to and vent. So with fear I am going to make the healthy decision to take a break. Many inside do not want to leave her either. Some are saying that we need her cause she is the first to welcome us all as a whole in that room, every session and has even helped Paula feel a little more comfortable. She is around in sessions lots more. I am happy about that. Anyways, feeling the fear and doing it anyways.
I will start seeing the aftercare therapist one on one over the summer and I couldn't be more happy about this, as I adore her and she has become the first person ever, I mean ever, that not one alter dislikes. Some proceed with caution, yet they are all. we are all open to hearing what she has to say. Many times when I sit in a room with her present I find myself looking over at her and thinking wow, this woman is too cool. I hold her dear to my heart and am too happy to work with her in one way or another.
My current one on one for aftercare is the most beautiful, patient person I have met. I have one more session with her and this saddens me but I am very proud that we are using our words with her help to get through it. The littles are the most upset and Tracey scares me the most when leaving her because I notice that Tracey feels like cutting everytime the topic or feelings around leaving/ending come up. Will write more about this as it approaches. We will miss her greatly.
Seeing our new Pdoc means so very much as we have been looking to work with someone with her knowledge and education around DID for so many years. It also helps that she has an awesome personality that makes us smile inside. We are so excited to hear she has an opening avaliable to start seeing us. YAY! This is the best change that I heard in the meeting, Looking forward to working with her very much.
My social worker is such a sweetie and so helpful when it comes to helping with housing, school, and other community supports and although she is an awesome support we are cutting down to seeing each other 1-2 per month as suppose to 4 times a months. This will take off some stress of keeping up with so many appointments. However we are greatful to have her come and see us at home. Makes us feel safe knowing someone is checking in from time to time.
Then there is my sponsor. The greatest man I have ever met. I love him dearly and feel his love for me in return. He made me feel so special today with his words of caring, support and love. I am truly blessed to have him show up for me when I needed him most and he did it and took time off work without hesitation. I love him and am proud to call him Dad.
A special thanks to all of them for being there with a common goal to help me. To help us. Everyone in that room either has great knowledge of DID or willing to learn. Either way they care about us and their support always goes above and beyond. Thanks also to Paula and Sarah for giving me the space to be present in this meeting. It meant a lot to me girls.
In Love and Light,
Valynn
|
RSS Feed