Undeserving Loser

5/18/2011

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I feel like a total piece of shit. Undeserving of love, time, and support. One of us, Sarah to be exact, got us in a whole lot of trouble today. I can't talk about it now, just the feelings around it because of such utter embarassment. Not to mention total discuss. Even if it was Sarah, I take total responsibility for our actions. If I felt lower then dirt this morning, I am feeling unworthy for life in this moment....My biggest fear is losing the respect of somone who believes in me and cares deeply for me. She told me today how proud she was of me and now in what feels like an instant, all hope for me to feel proud is gone. I NEED HELP!!! ~Anyone hearing me....~Valynn  
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Tearfully Regretful

5/15/2011

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Sorry To The Littles (Alters),
   
     I hurt you again tonight and I am sorry, even though I know that doesn’t 
help. I don’t mean to hurt you. I just can’t breath, handle what happened to
me.  I can’t get the monsters off the body, out of the body, off the skin, out
of the  heart. I’m sorry you hurt too and that I am cause to that a lot these
days. I  feel so ashamed.


~Tearfully Regretful, Sarah 

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Body Memories

5/14/2011

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Today I have so much to do as far as housework goes and I am sitting here wondering how much am I really going to get done. One of the worse things you can do is sit in your s**t and I'm finding myself doing just that.

Even with the abuse in my life there were days I remember doing simple childhood things, like jump rope with the girls, playing Red Rover, Being in dance class, acting the lead in the play, fighting over who gets what crush in our favorite bands or tv shows. I miss these times, more so beacase these moments were so far and inbetween.

I feel like many survivors that I was robbed out of the chance to have more happy times like these.

As a child I endured abuse and as an adult I carry it still inside me. Some of the alters I am extra grateful for because they allow me to still have a chance to play. I miss the idea of what a happy childhood can bring. I don't remember a huge part of my childhood and it saddens me.

When you are 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, people tend to want to hold you when you are hurt and bring a sense of comfort to your life in that moment. As an adult the cute factor seems to be diminished and most peope just respond by saying, "yeah it sounds like you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and will be better." Okay, my question, where is the proof in that?"  It's a new day this morning, not unlike yesterday's new start and yet it still hurts.

I have been having body flashbacks  http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/body-memories.html  lately and they are awful. I can still feel "him" on me, in me, my skin feels so dirty. I can't push "him" off because he is not really there. The feelings though would seem to prove otherwise. This results a lot in self harm. Sometimes it can get so bad that I havethoughts of endng my life as the only way to get him out of me. Like he lives within me and the only way to rid of him is to kill us all.

My rational mind knows this is not a healthy option but uless you go through it, do you ever tell me you understand. It is like having to live it over and over, somedays it feels like it never stopped.

So today I am going through some of this and I am going to make an effort right now, when I am done here to distract myself by doing some of the things on my to do list. Hoping and praying for these feelings to pass. In love and light,
A Beautiful Handful
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Therapy Session

5/9/2011

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Made the note below today, while in my therapy session. ~sigh, hate feeling like I want to avoid her (therapist). It's more of being silenced by fear. Don't remember last half of session, hmm?! Wonder who showed up. I am guessing Sarah, Tracey, or Paula. My therapist, who is awesome, no doubt. She gave me great things to do this week. 1. No journaling (Does that include blogging? lol),  2. Any artwork or activies should be of a positive nature. 3. Take time out to do something that feeds the positive side of the soul for each alter. I am going to do this with everything in me, casue I need it to change. This heavyness is too much on me, it is in all honesty, killing me. ~Valynn  

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Meet The System

5/6/2011

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We are part of the original kido bunch system: (we have DID {dissociative idenity disorder}) I am Addie. I am in the front for the most part for the teens….we are one body, many souls…thats how we see things anywayz!

 We are the teens: Let me, Addison aka Addie, introduce you: There’s Paula, Tawny, Karli, Katie and Keileigh. Also we always welcome anyone we are not aware of, as well, to come forward at any moment they need to share.

Then there are the littles, let me intorduce you to them as well:

Tracey 9
Marcus 9 *Male
Camdyn 2
Elizabeth 4
Shayla (pre verbal)
Teagan *Male
Lil' Lily 12

 
The bigs are:

Valynn 32 (Host)
Valerie Lynn 32 (Birth Person)
Sarah 22
Lily 22
Conrad 45 *Male
A. Cee Cee  (A stands for angel)

We are open to questions and will do our best to answer them or direct you to where you can find these answers. Thanks for stopping by and come by anytime!!   Thanx from Addie =)

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