Today I have so much to do as far as housework goes and I am sitting here wondering how much am I really going to get done. One of the worse things you can do is sit in your s**t and I'm finding myself doing just that.
Even with the abuse in my life there were days I remember doing simple childhood things, like jump rope with the girls, playing Red Rover, Being in dance class, acting the lead in the play, fighting over who gets what crush in our favorite bands or tv shows. I miss these times, more so beacase these moments were so far and inbetween.
I feel like many survivors that I was robbed out of the chance to have more happy times like these.
As a child I endured abuse and as an adult I carry it still inside me. Some of the alters I am extra grateful for because they allow me to still have a chance to play. I miss the idea of what a happy childhood can bring. I don't remember a huge part of my childhood and it saddens me.
When you are 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, people tend to want to hold you when you are hurt and bring a sense of comfort to your life in that moment. As an adult the cute factor seems to be diminished and most peope just respond by saying, "yeah it sounds like you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and will be better." Okay, my question, where is the proof in that?" It's a new day this morning, not unlike yesterday's new start and yet it still hurts.
I have been having body flashbacks http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/body-memories.html lately and they are awful. I can still feel "him" on me, in me, my skin feels so dirty. I can't push "him" off because he is not really there. The feelings though would seem to prove otherwise. This results a lot in self harm. Sometimes it can get so bad that I havethoughts of endng my life as the only way to get him out of me. Like he lives within me and the only way to rid of him is to kill us all.
My rational mind knows this is not a healthy option but uless you go through it, do you ever tell me you understand. It is like having to live it over and over, somedays it feels like it never stopped.
So today I am going through some of this and I am going to make an effort right now, when I am done here to distract myself by doing some of the things on my to do list. Hoping and praying for these feelings to pass. In love and light,
A Beautiful Handful
Even with the abuse in my life there were days I remember doing simple childhood things, like jump rope with the girls, playing Red Rover, Being in dance class, acting the lead in the play, fighting over who gets what crush in our favorite bands or tv shows. I miss these times, more so beacase these moments were so far and inbetween.
I feel like many survivors that I was robbed out of the chance to have more happy times like these.
As a child I endured abuse and as an adult I carry it still inside me. Some of the alters I am extra grateful for because they allow me to still have a chance to play. I miss the idea of what a happy childhood can bring. I don't remember a huge part of my childhood and it saddens me.
When you are 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, people tend to want to hold you when you are hurt and bring a sense of comfort to your life in that moment. As an adult the cute factor seems to be diminished and most peope just respond by saying, "yeah it sounds like you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and will be better." Okay, my question, where is the proof in that?" It's a new day this morning, not unlike yesterday's new start and yet it still hurts.
I have been having body flashbacks http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/body-memories.html lately and they are awful. I can still feel "him" on me, in me, my skin feels so dirty. I can't push "him" off because he is not really there. The feelings though would seem to prove otherwise. This results a lot in self harm. Sometimes it can get so bad that I havethoughts of endng my life as the only way to get him out of me. Like he lives within me and the only way to rid of him is to kill us all.
My rational mind knows this is not a healthy option but uless you go through it, do you ever tell me you understand. It is like having to live it over and over, somedays it feels like it never stopped.
So today I am going through some of this and I am going to make an effort right now, when I am done here to distract myself by doing some of the things on my to do list. Hoping and praying for these feelings to pass. In love and light,
A Beautiful Handful
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