**WARNING Highly triggering Rape/Self Harm Struggle

This is what rape is doing to me. I am filled with so much anger, hurt and pain and I don't know how to turn it outward. Inwards, no problem, hurting myself and blaming myself is so easy, comes too naturally. The truth is I can't stop because i am not even sure I want to. It hurts soooo bad that it feels good. it is sick, my rational mind knows this but in the moment i can not help myself. I feel like it is the only thing that saves my life. That too sounds weird I know but it's true. I mean i must be getting something from it, if I keep doing it. Okay deep down i wanna stop but I think what stops me the most is that i believe I can't stop, that I will never be free from this addiction to self inflicted pain. The emotions get so big to the point i don't think i can live with it and then I self harm and relief comes. Yes it is short lived but it is a break from the chaos that is inside the head. My head is so loud these days. Everyone inside is all kinds of confused about what is going on and I still don't know all who were present when the rape happened. Trying to go easy on myself and to be gentle. However that is so hard when I am still blaming myself. There are a few things we are keeping locked up inside with fear that others will label us sick and dirty and so we can't speak of them. This secret silence is killing us slowly. Taking a toll daily as we put the blade to our skin once again. A fight that we want to see be lifted from our body, mind, and soul. Anyways, I really needed to share this part of me cause as ugly as this all is, it is my truth. It is my reality these days and I struggle but I know I am not alone in this. There are many like me. this is a fact and yet I have never felt so alone in a long time. Here's praying it gets easier and that I will be free one day of this awful addiction. I want to believe I am better then this and love myself the way so many love me. It saddens me that my life is back in a dark place. I come back home, to the scene of the crime everyday and hope that it isn't true. That a man didn't rape me repeatedly in my own bed. Not only taking a piece of me but also stealing my safe place. God, please help me to find safe again. Inside me and outside as well. Still living in anger and fear,
Valynn and The Bunch