| Beautiful Handful |
|
To: T.S.Q
Looking forward to coming in to your office today and having a break being at H. Yay!! And I am looking forward on making a safety plan for the weekend with you, as I go out on my 1st weekend pass.
0 Comments
I am looking back over and over and over in my mind and through boxes of cards I have gotten over the years and not one card says this is it time to grow up. Time to lose all the things that bring you comfort. Bye bye to your sippy cup, no more sucking your thumb, you are officially too old to be tucked in at night. I wasn't ever too young to be taken pieces from my soul as a small child, in Strawberry Shortcake Jammies. Then as an adult I would be looked at as a freak for living in a 34 year old body and owing a sippy cup, using the excuse when in view, "oh yeah, a friend left that here the other day when visiting." I only take comfort now in the things I was deprived of as a child, either through not having it or not having enough of it. It's no different then someone who sleeps 6pm - 2am or 3am - 11am, still both get 8 hours. So why in my life that has got to be my own and life is for living for the things I want out of it. So why am I judged for getting the things now as an adult to feel good that I should have had as a child....go ahead send the card, judge me, whatever you like, cause your view of who I am has changed with facts, but the reality, I am still who I was yesterday, I did nothing wrong, just got a little more braver....  Just cried my eyes out to my T and told her everything going on with my sponsor and friends leaving me and all against me right now. She assured me again that she wasn't going anywhere. And still cares very much and told us how touched she was from our email telling her about how special she is to us and that she is an unaware light in our life and how much she means to us and we talked about safety plan for the next 2 days and then basically worked on the good bye for the day...always hard to leave her. Seeing her again Friday!! Can't wait cause she has a great basket of toys ;)
So yup that's my life right now...off again lost and alone...watching as people keep quickly dropping out of my life. My heart hurts so much. Loss is hard at any level, anytime it happens. Losing my sponsor in my life has been the biggest hit I have taken in a long time. On a side note...I am excited about my new 34 year old wrinkles! Yahooo!!! Now come on grey hair...let's get on with this already! ~Side Note Of Side Note: Sarcasm to get on with life, ya know...yeah... I don't know my head is as messed up and unorganized as this entry. Trying to figure out if I am empty from loss or lightened of the weight it all brought to us as a whole system. The hardest part is Tracey (9) is missing him so much...she is so sad inside and angry and scared cause he is gone now. He was the only man on the planet that she felt safe with, that she trusted. The only man that could touch her. We for a moment in time were Daddy's Little Girl and thank him that for always. Love You and Will Miss You In My Life....it's harder cause you still breath, I know you are physically still here and I can't be apart of you but know for eternity you will always be a part of me. You can never take away the memories that made me feel loved so many time when we were together. Those are what I am choosing to hold on to in hope that I can be strong enough to get to the other side of this all. Sorry I have not written lately, it has been tough.
UPDATE SOON! May write an entry tonight. Not in a good place these days, the system is all kinds of messed up.
We fell apart. I am so broken hearted, we loss our clean time. Paula, Sarah and I, Valynn. Life got too hard but there is no giving up, no giving in. I still have 2 strong supports standing it with me still. Which is Safety Queen and PDoc P. Tears fall but thinking of the light I still see in another human being and she is shining it on me as bright as she can, determined for me not to fade into the darkness, She is relentless! Not giving up on any of us. This being keeps me curious and going daily...I want to see what she sees, I want to see what she sees is worth saving. Today has not been a good day, we did some T homework and lost another support from our team of supports. Looking at why we relapsed sucks so much... We have not cut or self harmed in days, we usually don't use and self harm together... but the urges of the blade are calling some of us again and we are afraid we will not find a way to stop this out of control ride and get off to walk a straight line. Wanna say so much more but leaving there for now. Valynn and the bunch whatever, whatever, whatever!!
I hate you, you hate me, yet here we sit together comfortabley.... Leave me alone, let me go what I feel inside? Ha, you'll never know... Don't think of me and please don't care cause when you turn around I will no longer be there. you said give you a call, never chance it alone and i will most likely sit and cut to the bone yup you heard me, I am a cutter who cuts my skin i dont know any other way to let things in feelings are too big me for to handle deep inside so instead of trying it will you, just gonna say goodbye i dont fucking need you, not for a second of my day think i never did this before i got my own ways they may not be the way you do but ask if i give a shit i got my own tools on my lap, sitting in this kit tried to do it for you all but right now i am hearing Gods call he is calling out to me to saY i am right where i shoud be i want to scream, I want to cry but most of all i want to die dont let this shock your little minded ass, this is a result from my horrid past there is a difference between feelings and thoughts wish you could get that but I guess not I am so tireed of feeling bad, spending much of my time feeling sad i am beginnning to wonder if i deserve any help for what was done this life and all around me is no longer any fun the pain keeps piecing into my soul and killing me a bit each time but people think the plan i live is purly just mine someone just interupted and now i dont know what the fuck to say thank God its almost over and I can begin another day........ This was a speed writing vent that i did in 60 secs no editing, no stopping..... I am thinking about the concept of the horrific events in my life not being my fault. Could there be truth to this, are we maybe not to blame for it?!?! And thinking about how much we have cried over the last couple days and how healing that is. It has taken off some of the pressure we feel inside and also talking with Safety Queen and how last session went with her and Tracey and trying to take that all in. She said Tracey drew a picture for her and she doesn't know if it is a good idea to show me or not. Feels that it may be too soon too fast. And so I am thinking all those curious thoughts of what it is about and what she drew. Got to have a phone session with Safety Queen yesterday after she was away for awhile she thought it may be a good idea to touch base for an hour or so on the phone we talked for an hour and she was proud that I had a list of things prepared and numbered them in order of importance. Of course we didn't get to all 5 things on the list but we talked a great deal about Tracey as she was there at last session. It was quite the session as Tracey decided not to talk to her with her voice, so the session was spent with Safety Queen trying again to learn sign. Tracey found this quite amusing. Listening to Safety Queen talk about Tracey and the session left me feeling kinda weird. The connection SQ has with Tracey can leave me angry sometimes. SQ seems to smile bright when she talks of her. And then I am reminded, we are one of many parts and she smiles big about me too. Hmm, not so sure about that. Then she told me Tracey took and played with a toy. This was huge as Tracey is afraid to play. This to me shows trust we have towards SQ and that made me smile big. There was much more squeezed into this 60mins but I will leave it there for now or this could be a mini novel. I will say after our chat yesterday my day today feels a little stronger and hopeful knowing we get to see her this Friday.
Going full speed.....super fast...better slow down or I'm bound to crash...........
| Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
RSS Feed