I am looking back over and over and over in my mind and through boxes of cards I have gotten over the years and not one card says this is it time to grow up. Time to lose all the things that bring you comfort. Bye bye to your sippy cup, no more sucking your thumb, you are officially too old to be tucked in at night. I wasn't ever too young to be taken pieces from my soul as a small child, in Strawberry Shortcake Jammies. Then as an adult I would be looked at as a freak for living in a 34 year old body and owing a sippy cup, using the excuse when in view, "oh yeah, a friend left that here the other day when visiting." I only take comfort now in the things I was deprived of as a child, either through not having it or not having enough of it. It's no different then someone who sleeps 6pm - 2am or 3am - 11am, still both get 8 hours. So why in my life that has got to be my own and life is for living for the things I want out of it. So why am I judged for getting the things now as an adult to feel good that I should have had as a child....go ahead send the card, judge me, whatever you like, cause your view of who I am has changed with facts, but the reality, I am still who I was yesterday, I did nothing wrong, just got a little more braver....
SAD. SCARED, TERROR, FEAR, LONELY are just a few things I feel this early 4:35am and still no sleep. Cutting quite a bit =( Sorry to those who love and care about me...I truly am sorry but it's not about you, really, as hard as that may sound. I am feeling like giving up again, it's a scary feeling when suicide becomes an option again. I am working hard on doing things so this doesn't happen. As someone with DID it can be concerning more so cause I'm afraid it would happen and I may not ever know...Call my support team and left messages on the advice of PDoc P, that girl rocks. Glad she is in my life. My hope is that we can come up with a plan to help me stay safe. Anyways, I am just rambling to I'll end there for now, off to see if I can maybe get a few hours of sleep in. Pray for me or send positive energies please....
It’s a cycle, a never ending cirlcle…This too shall pass, yes and then you
come full circle and it hits you again. You should be use to it, I tell myself.
It is familiar here this place I have come to many times. And yet it hits me
like the first time each time. Never able to get use to it….=’(
I’m tired…….
1. The illness I live with is…
Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Addiction (drugs, alcohol, self harm, food) Bulimia and Depression.
2. I was diagnosed in the year…
DID: Age 17 PTSD/Anxiety Disorder/Depression: Age 13 Bulimia: Early 20s Addict: Late Teens
3. But I’ve had symptoms since…
I am guessing around the age of 4. I remember kindergarden and how tough it was with these pressing issues.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make…
Living alone isn’t an easy adjustment. Also having friends in my life today is difficult. It isn’t always easy to explain where you are at. Staying clean is a huge adjustment. Viewing life though clean and sober eyes isn’t always easy.
5. Most people assume…
That I can just “STOP” or “LET IT GO!” Also that therapy isn’t do much good. Therapy in my view is not to fix me but rather to maintain me.
6. The hardest part about mornings is….
Not knowing what to expect of the day or who I will be or where I will end up. Also most of my panic attacks and anxiety come in the mornings.
7. My favorite medical TV show is…
Hmmm, not sure. I am a die hard fan of Law and Order SVU though.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is….
My computer I guess cause I do a lot of theraputic work on here, such as my site and blogging.
9. The hardest part about nights are….
Nightmares, flashbacks, alters not quieting down enough to sleep.
10. Each day I take ___ vitamins and pills…
I am only on 2 Psyc Med right now. Also medical meds for Diabetes
11. Regarding alternative treatments…
I believe talk therapy is the best because it is our secrets that keep us sick. Also being inpatient has always benifited me cause I am taken out of the environment that feels hard to cope with at the moment. Being around professional staff helps keep me safe at times.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose…
Ultimately neither. Or Both. Cause invisable means I can hide when I need to yet visible I think people are more able to understand and/or accept.
13. Regarding working and a career…
I am looking forward to working towards being a therapist. Who better to understand. It saddens me though cause I seem to have bouts of work here and there but hard to stay stable at this point in my recoery.
14. People would be surprised to know…
That I have DID and that I struggle as much as I do when I am alone. Also that I love country music lmao
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is…
It’s gonna get tougher before it gets better. And that once you open things up, there is no off switch.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was….
Work, acting, and making and maintaining new friendships.
17. The commercials about my illness…
Are not enough. Most are about meds and side effects, we need more real educating. Especially around DID.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is….
Feeling okay about who I am. It wasn’t until after dx that I felt feelings of embarassment and shame.
19. It was really hard to give up….
Drug and Alcohol…My way of coping before it turned on me and made things worse. It was like losing a best friend.
20. A new hobby I’ve taken up since my diagnosis..
Photography. Helps me to see how the alters view the world too and what they like to look at.
21. If I could have one day of feeling completely normal again, I would…
Not even take time to think about that. There is no again for me, I have only known me this way, this IS my normal.
22. My illness has taught me…
That as smart as humans are, how stupid they can still be around mental health. We sent a man to the moon, Makes things fly, found a way to travel on water, and our tec world WHOA, yet you can still find a way to be ignorant towards things you know nothing about. Human compassion has a long way to go.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that really gets under my skin is..
“DID isn’t real.”
“Just let it go.”
“Choose to be happy.”
24. But I love it when people…
Really listen and ask questions because they want to be a better person just for knowing.
25. My favorite motto that gets me through tough times is…
This too shall pass…
26. When someone is diagnosed, I like to tell them…
That you can still life a full life like everyone else. And don’t let it define who you are.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is…
There are a few who are willing to learn, listen, and love you, just how you are. You just have to risk and give people a chance. This is hard but I try to live by it.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was…
He held my hand, told me he loved me, and that I was deserving and worthly of living.
She validated how I was feeling and made me see that I am a Beautiful Handful.
She gave me her time, ear, patience, and a hug. The Purple Sparkly Ball was an awesome bonus too...hee hee.
29. The fact that you read this list makes me feel…
Like I have a voice.
(Insert therapists name here),
You didn’t listen!!! They didn’t listen!!! No one is listening!!!
Result: I am doing AMAZING! WONDERFUL! and nothing less…From now on everyone is gonna hear how great things really are. My life is perfect, full of sunshine and roses and cute little puppies. I couldn’t have asked for a better life! I am full of smiles, hope, faith and dreams! With so many smiles,
P.S. I have never been a good liar!
Sarah
~Yup, I said it! Deal with it! I will speak up...
Home from hospital. Spent 3 days in the ER at the psyc. hospital and after they came to the fact that they dont know what to do to help me, they sent me home o.O WTF!! Really, really?? Okay, guess so… So I guess my part = spending the next few hours doing whatever it takes to stay safe and cope in a positive way.
Which means, no cutting, harming in anyway, negative thoughts, acting out..etc…Hmmm, and why’d I go to hospital in the first place…ohh that’s right I have no control of these right now… *sigh
I feel like a total piece of shit. Undeserving of love, time, and support. One of us, Sarah to be exact, got us in a whole lot of trouble today. I can't talk about it now, just the feelings around it because of such utter embarassment. Not to mention total discuss. Even if it was Sarah, I take total responsibility for our actions. If I felt lower then dirt this morning, I am feeling unworthy for life in this moment....My biggest fear is losing the respect of somone who believes in me and cares deeply for me. She told me today how proud she was of me and now in what feels like an instant, all hope for me to feel proud is gone. I NEED HELP!!! ~Anyone hearing me....~Valynn
Hope That:
The deeper the pain doesn’t = Deeper the cuts
Hurting tonight! =(
Made the note below today, while in my therapy session. ~sigh, hate feeling like I want to avoid her (therapist). It's more of being silenced by fear. Don't remember last half of session, hmm?! Wonder who showed up. I am guessing Sarah, Tracey, or Paula. My therapist, who is awesome, no doubt. She gave me great things to do this week. 1. No journaling (Does that include blogging? lol), 2. Any artwork or activies should be of a positive nature. 3. Take time out to do something that feeds the positive side of the soul for each alter. I am going to do this with everything in me, casue I need it to change. This heavyness is too much on me, it is in all honesty, killing me. ~Valynn
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